10/3/06

The heart just pumps faster as days get nearer to the horrifying melody. High risk area of mispitching. Mitigating controls.... none. Die. Why do I have to go through these kind of anxiety everytime I play for westwinds. Few concerts ago was, Edelwise, a small 8 bars duet with Adam Frey for his Concerto for Euphonium. My heart weak lah, cannot take it. How abt NUS concert? Noaks Ark solo... no fear, cuz no high notes, breeze through haaa.

I spent alot of time today doing crappy things. Now I know how people can say they don't have time because of crappy things. I woke up at 9am in the morning, watching 2 episodes of dragonball, played 2-3 hrs of maple and utopia. Went out to Orchard library to do some books borrowing for 312 project (where real work starts). Spent 2-3 hrs there. When I came back home, its already 5pm. Then how? I played Maple for 30mins, and read my 306 lecture notes for 30 mins. Went jogging because I'm getting fatter (horrifying weight reading during my medical checkup). Then ate dinner alone because parents not at home (at least they da bao for me). Then watch 2 episodes of dragonball again. Then read my 306 lecture notes for 1 hr.

Calculation: what is the effective work time for today. 4 hrs????? Pathetic. How pathetic can things be? ANd..... I was the one who told my friend that I got no time to finish my stuffs. Ya I didn't. I planned to read all the 312 readings by end of this holiday. Current progress: 2 read, left tonnes.

And I really have no mood to study because of the concert anxiety. Butterflies in stomach. I need to drink insecticide. Presentation on Monday!! And the tutor super skillful in making you shiver during presentation (ask funny questions).

To digress a bit. I'm always very wrong with my intuition, so I've given up depending on them. Even though I told people I can feel alot of things going around me, but I tend to ignore them cuz I have made so many mistakes before because I depended on intuition. So, haaa I'm gonna just don't think so much and walk one day by one day, minute by minute, sec by sec. I really hate myself thinking so much. haa