17/7/06

Building Self-Esteem (Jul 2006)
Psychologist Nathaniel Brandon once remarked that "there is no value-judgment more important to man, no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation than the estimate he passes on himself."

How true! Self-sabotage is probably the number one barrier to greater success and joy. Many people grow up with a less-than-ideal sense of self-worth, due mainly to the feedback they received as children. As a result, they're often their own worst enemies, mentally limiting their opportunities to attract more happiness, success and love.

Self-esteem goes beyond simply just feeling good about the way you look or the talents you possess. This kind of self-esteem is temporary and may change from day to day depending on which way the wind is blowing your sails. There is a deeper self-esteem which is the most accurate description of how you feel, regardless of what obstacles are thrown in your path.

Here are some ways to develop this deeper self-esteem:

First of all, clear out all the rubbish from your mind - this is anything hurtful and unconstructive that you've been told, either just a few moments ago or even when you were in primary school. Useful advice should be heeded but don't waste your time being upset with people who are just mean. When you were a kid, the hurt might've had you struggling haplessly in its talons but now that you're an adult, assert your right to pay no attention to unreasonable, nasty, toxic people.

People say "don't count your chickens before they're hatched". I say, why not? Doing this can mean that you're optimistic and looking forward to a bright future. It can also mean that you're grateful for what you have now, for without the eggs, there would be no hope for chickens! So by all means, count your blessings! The people you have in your life, the good fortune and health that you enjoy, the good things that are in the pipeline.

Identify your strengths and keep reminding yourself how they are truly a gift to you and the people around you. And surround yourself with positive people, for example, professional organizations that have something in common with your interests.

Remember, your opinion of yourself is the chief factor for success and joy in most aspects of life including your relationships. Don't sell yourself short!

Love and Personal Power

When you're in a romantic relationship, do you give away too much of yourself?

This may seem like a strange question; after all, isn't love supposed to be that way? The giving of oneself to one's partner?

Well, the problem with always placing someone else's needs and ideas above your own is that it's not sustainable.

When you fell in love with your partner, you did so because you found some aspects of him or her attractive. This attractiveness forms the core of your partner's personal power. It is what makes them likeable to others as well. You too have your own personal power. But when we love someone, it's natural for us to want to give him or her some of this power. We might consistently give in, for example, always admit fault in arguments, constantly accommodate their wishes, in turn curtailing our own needs and feelings. The problem begins when you suppress yourself too much and too often in order to inflate your partner. The relationship then becomes lop-sided - your partner begins to rely on your submission, praises and assistance, and you start to think that this is what makes you valuable, what makes you loveable.

But do you notice that the more you give in to someone, the more they tend to take advantage of you? Yes your partner may love you but they're human too and can be "taught" over time to perceive your love as this consistent yielding to their desires. Your partner can begin to believe that he or she is really more important than you - more attractive, more powerful, more well-liked; while you're turning weak, timid, disrespectful of yourself and basking in the rays of their light.

The thing is, your partner is looking for an equal, someone who can play off them, challenge them, learn with them, grow with them; not more admirers for their "fanclub". To build a meaningful relationship, you must have a healthy self-image. If you have a low assessment of yourself, over time your partner can come to have a low opinion of you too.

So remember, a healthy sustainable relationship can only be developed if both parties have a high sense of self-worth and personal powers are maintained at equitable levels. You're partners, and you're not an unworthy creature admiring someone far better than you.

The Needle

You know the feeling - you've achieved something great after a period of hard work - you've made a great speech, you've wrapped up a big meeting, you've finished writing a book, you've completed an exhilarating game, you've put together a wonderful event, the final notes of your piano recital have met rapturous applause. You're on cloud nine and it seems that at this beautiful moment, nothing can touch you.

Then, someone says, "You're so full of yourself. That was nothing special. I've seen better. You were terrible! You sucked." It seems as if a needle has punctured your rubber soul. There is an earth-shattering pop and the once proud balloon of your ego is now a wrinkled, sniveling wreck.

What happened? It was going so well for you! You were having a great time! And now you're in a daze, wondering what hit you. The words dig into you and you start asking yourself "What did I do wrong? Was I really that bad? That mistake marred my whole performance! I just wasn't good enough!"

The hours and days pass and the feeling of disappointment hasn't abated. You start reviewing your past failures and wrong turns. You wonder if you should continue doing this at all. Maybe you should quit.

Many people actually do. They get so unnerved by the negative feedback that they're thrown off-track. They make even more mistakes because they're so hung up about being perfect.

Now there will always be people who will not like you or find your work helpful or like the pattern of your tie. For whatever reason. These people may not even be making a genuine assessment. It's more likely that they're simply making reckless comments. Otherwise you'd get more analysis than just "you were terrible" ("you sucked")!

It's important not to dwell on this minority of people. If you let them get to you, you'll constantly be distracted. And just think how ridiculous it is for you to be held back by a few careless words. It's just a needle. You don't have to be a balloon that's easily punctured by a prick.

What others think or say about you is their reality. What you think of yourself is your reality. Don't let anyone make you lose direction or abandon your dream. Most of the time, people just want to provoke a reaction. Don't believe a word.


Managing Your States

I'd like you to take a moment and consider the state you're in right now.

A state is a condition of being, a combination of the most dominant emotions and physical circumstances. For example, does your body feel calm, tired, tense, energetic? What are you thinking about? Your job, family, money, the past, or the future? What about your emotions? Are you anxious, happy, guilty, moody, loving or angry?

We are constantly in a flux among various states. Most of us are not self-aware enough yet to notice these states and what they're doing to us, but if you want to increase your efficiency and happiness, you need to identify which states spur you on and which ones hold you back.

You could call these states either resourceful or obstructive. Resourceful states like feeling happy, driven, loving or creative push you to seize opportunities for greater joy and success. Obstructive states like fear, anger, resentment, worry or guilt discourage us from improving our lives and fuel distress.

Needless to say, if we all truly noticed the states we go through, none of us would want to be in obstructive states. But most people do not take stock of the states they go through. They've been numbed by the routine of life.

So what you need to do first is to identify the different states you experience and what triggers each of them. Which states motivate and empower you? Which ones wear you out? Learn to avoid or neutralize the triggers that actuate the undesirable states. Let's try a simple example - if you find that coffee helps you stay alert during the day but keeps you awake at night, try replacing it with something that doesn't disrupt your sleep. That "pick-me-up" during the day is not good enough a reason to be sacrificing sleep. It's an artificial fix anyway; with proper sleep, there's no reason why you should not be alert during the day.

Other examples could be that you feel most energetic and creative after a run. Or perhaps you feel guilty when you're reminded of certain unresolved issues with someone in your past. Maybe you feel tired when you get home because your room looks dreary and needs a fresh coat of paint and more uplifting d?r.

You'll find that many of these little irritants and triggers of bad moods can be easily removed or neutralized, and in their place, resourceful states can be induced.

Loving What We Have

We live in an age of excess and access - excess because we have so much to choose from and access because we have so much freedom to choose. From hi-tech toys to multi-media, high fashion to waterfront homes, chemical distractions to fast lovers, this world offers us an endless array of possibilities. It's all about momentary pleasures, staying in the fast lane, retaining membership in the club of looks and possessions.

The confines of tradition, the prejudice of gender and race, the oppression of politics, the dividing power of distance - all these, though not completely removed, do not bind our feet like they did our forefathers. Today, no one has to feel embarrassed about wanting more, making more money, deserving better, buying more things, having more lovers. Ambition is used as a euphemism for greed. But are we happier than before?

So much of our society is disposable - we see, we want, we use, we throw. More than ever, human beings are buying and using things they don't really need. Our landfills are choking with rubbish, and our debts are ballooning. Yet the buying frenzy doesn't seem to be losing any steam.

Are we getting caught up in the wrong things? Is our focus causing us to ultimately lead empty, meaningless lives? How can we stop the seething, rumbling, fast-exploding machine of industry and greed?

The answer is love - learning to love the things and people we already have. Truly understanding them and appreciating them, discovering aspects of them that eluded us before.

If you love what you have, you don't feel the need for more. If you love what you have, you're not going to throw something out once it gets a little worn. You'll see the deeper beauty that lasts infinitely longer. If you love what you have, you'll be very careful what you buy or who you choose to be with, because it has to be something you can love, not simply a trial or plaything.

Take a closer look at your possessions and relationships - your clothes, your car, your furniture, your gadgets, your partner. What can you learn to love and appreciate more? What can you recycle or maintain? Instead of dreaming about buying something new, think about how you can make the most out of what you already have. Wanting more can never make you happy. The key is loving what you have.

Big Rocks

One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students. He pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one by one, into the jar.

When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"

Everyone in the class said "yes".

Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar, causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks.

Then he asked the group once more. "Is this jar full?" By this time the class was on to him.

"Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel.

Once more he asked the question. "Is this jar full?"

"No!" the class shouted. Once again, he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim.

Then the speaker looked at the class and said, "The rocks represent the most important things in your life - your children, your spouse, your loved ones, your friends, your education, your dreams, a worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others, doing the things you love, having time for yourself, your health. If you don't get these big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all. If you're always distracted by the trivial issues (i.e. gravel, the sand), then you'll never have the quality time you need to spend on the bigger, more important stuff (i.e. the big rocks).

So what are the big rocks in your life? Put those in your jar first.

Getting Out of Our Comfort Zones

Most of us love being in our comfort zones. It is so called precisely because within it, there is little or no pressure and we need only expend minimum effort in order to get by in life. But our comfort zones should only be spaces for temporary rest, because as long as we remain within them, we cannot grow.

You need only look around you to see what happens when people try to get through life by doing the least amount of work - they become complacent and lazy, their minds begin to dull, and every minor setback is like a catastrophe in their eyes.

Nature also presents abundant evidence why how getting out of our comfort zones helps us grow, and move through the stages of life. Our mother's womb was our very first comfort zone. We spent nine months depending purely on a single cord for sustenance. It was safe, it was warm, and we didn't have to lift a finger to be nourished. But how long could our mothers' belly hold us? In order for life to continue, we had to get out of the womb. As you know, the process of birth is often a painful experience, both for mother and child. We emerge crying for our lost utopia, our first breaths painful and difficult. Yet, without this event, our lives would've ended at nine months.

Think about each milestone or accomplishment in your life. Was it easy? Hopefully not, because it was, that means the achievement probably meant nothing to you, and you were not made better and stronger through it. No, your victories probably came only after much hard work and leaps of faith into the unknown.

Baby turtles instinctively struggle to get to the ocean after hatching from their shells. To them, the waters are untested territory, yet they never fail to make their way to them. They're wired to know that remaining where they are means certain death.

It's the same for us. If we stay in our comfort zones, we risk becoming weak, aimless and irrelevant. The only way to enrich our lives and continue growing is to keep pushing through the skins of our comfort zones. And this pushing continues into our later years. How many people have retired only to find themselves listless and bored with living after the first year or so? That's because they've stopped challenging themselves. Their minds gradually grind to a near halt.

Getting out of our comfort zones is hard work, but Nature proves to us how essential it is for life and development!