6/7/06

Time for a Time-Out?

If you watch "Super Nanny" and sigh to yourself "I wish I could hire her?", then here's a great tool for managing your rampaging kids.

It's called a time-out. Now this is already a well-known discipline technique in the U.S. It's not a punishment; it's a teaching method that helps your child learn how to control his or her own behaviour. When used consistently and properly, time-out helps your child learn how not to push your hot buttons.

Time-out is usually used when a child is arguing, using improper language, being disobedient, whining, throwing things, hitting, or having a tantrum.

Time-out is effective because it's a method where your child can see and know that you are backing up what you are saying, i.e., "If you don't stop whining, then there'll be time-out for you." Most children truly don't like time-out because it takes them away from something they enjoy doing.

So what exactly is a time-out?

Each parent has a unique way of presenting time-out and you'll discover your own. Prepare a time-out room where there are no distractions and nothing that can harm your child. Then, find something to represent the start of a time-out. Some parents use an egg timer or some parents use a buzzer. What you do is you place it on a table in the room then calmly tell their child to sit in a chair quietly until the timer rings. Again, explain to your child that you want the misbehaviour to stop. Once you've told your child that they have earned time-out, do not change your mind or be fooled by your child's sudden obedience and cooperative ways. Leave your child in the room with the timer (with or without the door open) and tell your child that you'll be right next-door. Time-out is breathing space for both you and your child to calm down, reflect and regain composure.

Set the timer for two to five minutes. Start the timer once your child is seated and quiet. If your child starts to scream or have a tantrum while in time-out, just simply ignore it. After the timer rings, go to your child. Don't lecture your child after time-out. In fact, change the subject matter when your child leaves the room. The child must want to get out of time-out into an enjoyable place again, not another lecture.

Many children will cease misbehaving once they see their parent reach for the timer. They know what's coming and they modify their own behaviour to become more cooperative. But do bear in mind that time-out is not effective for children below two, and time-out should be only used for correcting one particular misbehaviour at a time.

So is it time for a time-out?

STORIES - The Healing Poison
Li-Li was a young bride who had just moved into her new home with her husband and his mother. In no time at all, Li-Li realized that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law - their personalities were very different, and they had conflicting habits, values and beliefs. The mother-in-law criticized Li-Li constantly.

The months passed but Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. Finally, Li-Li decided to do something about it. She went to her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs, and asked him for some poison.

Mr. Huang was shocked but seeing how distraught the girl was, finally said, "I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and do exactly as I tell you." Li-Li nodded.

He continued, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I will give you a combination of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some pork or chicken and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen."

Li-Li followed Mr. Huang's instructions faithfully. Months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially-treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.

Li-Li practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

Li-Li now regretted her murderous plan and sought Mr. Huang's help for a remedy for the poison. To which he smiled and said, "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."

It's Not About You!

Happy, confident and carefree people can seem incredibly self-assured, even to the point of being arrogant. They seem comfortable in almost any situation and mistakes and faux pas seem to slide right off them. Obnoxious people apparently have no effect on them and cheerfulness and optimism is like a second nature.

But unknown to many of us, these people are actually remarkably "un-self-centred", for lack of a better word. It is the ostensibly anxious or high-strung self-loathers who are self-centred.

When we are unhappy with the way we look for example, we're focusing on ourselves, how we appear to others, and the judgements we think are being made on us. When we feel self-conscious and nervous in situations that put us in the spotlight, we are again thinking about ourselves. When we make a blunder and are subsequently riddled with regret or embarrassment, we are dwelling on our error and how others may perceive our silliness or incompetence. When someone disparages us or puts us down and we worry about it all day, we are again imagining that these people actually care how we are.

The thing is, people don't care. They don't think about you and they don't bother how you feel. Not on a date, not in a meeting, not in the office, not in bed, not on stage. Most people only really think about themselves most of the time - what they can get out of any situation - their seemingly negative or damaging words or actions stem from their own insecurities, not from your faults.

If something thinks you're not beautiful or foolish, they're not judging you; usually they're trying to make themselves feel better about themselves.

So the next time you are in a situation that usually makes you nervous, remember? it's NOT about you. Take your focus off yourself and place it on the other party or parties involved. Think about how you can help the other person, either by providing useful information, complimenting them or giving good service. You will find that the more you focus on other people, the less conscious you are of yourself, and the better you'll perform.

After A Partner's Death

When we talk about losing a romantic partner, we often mean that the other person doesn't love us the same way anymore or has started a relationship with someone else. The hurt that accompanies this kind of loss most of us are familiar with, but many of us have not experienced the sort of pain that comes with losing our love to death.

Sometimes it is sudden, which is tough to deal with emotionally, and sometimes financially as well. Other times it can be the result of a long illness, which can be very draining emotionally and physically. Whatever the case, the remaining partner has to contend with a vast emotional vacuum. Some people turn to friends and family or charity to help them cope, and that's enough. But some of us experience a loneliness that we know only having another love and companion can remove.

Now you may be feeling guilty for needing this. On some deep level, you may feel that you are not being respectful of the relationship you and your late partner had. You may even harbour the idea that your late partner expects you to remain "faithful". But if he or she was truly in love with you, and sees you aching in loneliness, I can't see how a truly loving and unselfish late partner wouldn't want you to be happy again. Like it or not, you are both in very different places. You are still of this world, and you do need to live a life; hopefully, a happy one. No, not "need", you deserve to live a happy life. There is nothing more you can do for your past love, but you can still help yourself. Don't deny yourself this opportunity.

If you are widowed and lonely, and deep soul-searching has convinced you that you need to find love with someone else, I hope you will give yourself (and that other person too) a chance. Love is too beautiful and fruitful a thing to deny, ignore or throw away, and if you meet the right person, and you both fulfill each other, then perhaps two lives have been saved.

One chapter of your life has been written but your book has not been finished. The times you had with your late partner will always have those special and wonderful pages in your book; but there are plenty of blank pages that have yet to be filled. You are a being of love and there is no sense containing it. Build a future of love and caring together. Do not feel as if you are abandoning your former time and its memories, you're just moving just as the world never stops. You can be happy, and when you finally embrace it, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Just One More

You've probably heard the _expression "one little thing can make a big difference". To many of us most of the time, that phrase is just one of any number of overused platitudes that no longer mean anything to us. But like many time-tested aphorisms, that simple phrase contains deep insight. If we can pierce through the thick cloud of skepticism and excess, we begin to discover just how incredible the power of one is.

For example, if you could make just one more cold call every day; that is, to a random prospect you've never contacted before, you would chalk up 260 calls a year. How many extra sales could come out of that?

What about suggesting one more item to every customer? They may not buy it, but how do you know if you don't suggest it? It takes practically no extra effort.

Try applying this principle to other aspects of your life:

Set aside just one day per month for developing your skills. Attend a workshop maybe or read up on that tutorial for that new program. Most people, even if they think they know the importance of continuous upgrading, don't realize its value enough to actually do it. So that means you can quickly outpace your co-workers and competition.

And read one book every month. There's no need to be too ambitious - just read one. But read books related to your industry or that will provide insight to helping you improve your skill in a specific area.

Pause for one moment longer than usual before responding to a prospect's question or request. This silence usually makes people uncomfortable and they are more likely to blurt out something they had not planned on saying. This gives you more insight on the person as well as on the situation.

Get to the office one hour earlier than everyone else. You can probably achieve more in those 60 minutes than you could in several hours. When the people start coming in, the noises and the coffee breaks and the chats and the phone calls can be endlessly distracting.

Send out one more email a day to a potential customer. Very often, what people need is just a little push at the right time. This time today could be the time. The possibilities are endless - one more idea, one more thank you card, one more serving of fruit, one more endorsement or testimonial. It's just one more, but it could mean a ton of benefits.


Building Self-Esteem

A lot of stress, unhappiness, overeating and deliberate self-starving in life is caused by low self-esteem. A positive self-image is the cornerstone of a lasting relationship, and the more confident you are, the better you perform and consequently achieve success. High self-esteem also means peace of mind since you know and respect who you are and what you want. We should all strive for a healthy sense of self-worth. You should be proud of who you are and be totally comfortable in your own skin.

Here are some steps that should start you off quite nicely:

Create a list of people that you admire. Write down why you admire each person. As you are writing the characteristics you like, take notice of what you are writing down. You'll notice a lot of things that aren't related to looks.

Next, write down what you like about yourself. Many of us suffer from the "one-sided" syndrome - we lock in on the things we feel are wrong with ourselves and conveniently ignore the things which we can and should feel good about! So flip it around! Take note of all the things about yourself that you like or can easily improve.

Also, notice how you carry yourself when you walk. Do you walk with your head down looking at the ground? Do you slump your shoulders? Do you avoid eye contact with other people?

Try perking up! Start walking with a spring in your step and start making eye contact with people. Now this next one is pure common sense - start exercising. If your physique is getting you down, change it! You don't have to resort to manic diets or surgery. Exercise, when done in a realistic and fun way is truly enjoyable. It's mankind's age-old method for instantly looking and feeling better! Don't punish yourself, start slow and easy and work your way up.

And hang out with positive and cheerful people. Make humour and optimism a way of life. Learn to laugh at things, especially yourself, because if you can do that, it means you've transcended the trap of being obsessed with the way you look or are. There are many other things in life more worthwhile to pursue and to enjoy.

If your looks or abilities are the only things you're concerned about, aren't you limiting your potential for joy?


STORIES - Weakness or Strength?

A ten-year-old boy loved judo so much that he went ahead with lessons despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.

"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?" "This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied. Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.

Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.

"No," the sensei insisted, "let him continue."

Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake; he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion.

On the way home, the boy and the sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.

"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"

"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm."


Raising Thinking Children

Do you find that you have to constantly tell your child what to do? Brush your teeth, clear up your toys, make your bed, finish your homework, put on your shoes, walk on the pavement, don't watch TV too close to the screen and so on? The list can be endless especially if you have a very young child.

As parents, it's natural to feel that we have a duty to instruct our kids, to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. But when we adopt an approach of always commanding our children, they can very often become stubborn or rebellious. Excessive commands can lose their efficacy. Worse still, we're teaching them to always follow orders and never to think for themselves, which can lead to poor self-esteem and inability to make decisions later on in life.

This is not to say however that parents shouldn't guide their children. Just don't keep holding their hand or bringing out the cane. Why not try a different approach?

If you're sick of always playing the discipline master, stop demanding. Try asking your children questions instead. We often underestimate young children's ability to analyse situations and make sensible decisions on their own. So instead of saying "Brush your teeth now!", try asking "What do you need to do before having breakfast?"

Asking children questions gives them the opportunity to think for themselves and come logically to an answer. You can help them along by pointing out the benefits of that particular action, but let them discover the conclusion themselves - "What do you need to do after dinner?", "What do you need to do before we can go out?" Before you head to the zoo, ask "Do you have everything you need?" The child quickly learns responsibility and the value of planning ahead, and is more likely to internalize this kind of behaviour because he feels that he has made the decision himself.

Of course there will be times when only a no-nonsense direct command will do. But there is often another way. And if you use the "questioning", "gently guiding" approach consistently, you'll find that over time, you don't even need to remind your child anymore.

Guilt From Unhealthy Self-Judgement

When we do something that harms someone, we experience a feeling called guilt. This kind of guilt is important to have because it keeps us in check. Otherwise we'd all think nothing of hurting others.

However, the kind of guilt many people experience is of a different and much less positive kind. In fact, you can say it has no rewards at all. This is the kind of guilt that you feel when you have actually done nothing wrong but because of certain born or bred mindsets, you're judging yourself to have been a bad person.

For example, some people feel responsible for all the happiness and unhappiness of their family members. A family member may be feeling needy and is increasingly seeking and wanting more of your assurances and help and time. Now of course you should help your family members but if you feel a deep sense of guilt every time you "weren't there" for example, or said something that appeared to hurt the other person, then you are falsely judging yourself.

You are not wholly responsible for your loved one's state of mind or happiness, although you can play a part. If a loved one becomes testy whenever you aren't able to fulfill a task he or she expected you to do, then you have become a crutch for them. For example, they aren't able to do simple things like calling a service provider or going to the doctor for a minor flu on their own.

When you make yourself wholly responsible for a loved one's happiness and feel guilty whenever you miss the mark, you're also teaching your loved one to be dependent. When this happens, the sense of betrayal just gets stronger and stronger each time you're not able to deliver. Needless to say, this only strains the relationship in the long run.

Now you know that you're not doing anything wrong, or directly damaging, yet you continue to judge yourself whenever others around you get upset. On some level you believe that by accommodating people all the time, you will get their love and acceptance. But it's doesn't work that way. Building up false expectations only builds disappointment and resentment. Remember, you cannot control others' feelings and behaviour by doing things "right". You shouldn't judge yourself whenever you're unable to do things "right". Fully accept that you can't be wholly responsible for another person's feelings and release the self-judgement and guilt.

Empower Yourself

Everyone goes through murky patches of their lives when they start feeling, for apparently no good reason at all, empty and directionless. This can happen when we're living on auto-pilot, getting lost in the rhythm of the ever turning wheels, and having no clear idea what we want or what we're doing. This lack of vision and control can be very disempowering.

So here are some ways you can reclaim control of your life and empower yourself to move into the future with confidence.

First, ask yourself "What do I want?" It's a simple question but the answer can be unexpectedly complex. Most of us don't even think about this question. But it's the most important thing you need to establish. Do you want more money? Give more love? Spend more time with your children? More health? Really meditate on this and listen to what comes back.

Next, ask yourself "What is stopping me from getting what I want?" Is it doubt? As in "I don't think I can go without a regular income." Or is it limiting beliefs? Such as "I'm too old for that." What about attachment? The unwillingness to let go of certain things in order for other things to come into your life. Upon close examination, you'll find that these things really can't hold you back. It's just fear.

Then look at where you are today. Are you getting from it all that you want? Or are you unhappy with the way things are? Even if you think you're miserable, you're getting something from it, otherwise you would have tried to get out of the situation. Many of us languish in self-pity because we're feeding our insecurities. Somewhere deep inside, we actually do like where we are because it means we don't have to take any action towards change. Change frightens us and so we make up the excuse that we're in a hopeless situation and continue doing nothing.

But the human spirit grows thin when it remains in an unchallenging place for too long. The emptiness you feel is precisely because you've not allowed for change to transform your life. You're doing the same thing which gives you no satisfaction day in day out and your heart is crying out for help. So the key really is to decide what you have to do to start changing your life in positive ways. And really take action.

Even small actions, like walking up the steps at the office instead of taking the lift gives you an empowering feeling of moving forward all the time.

Committing to Commitment

When it comes to relationships, are Singaporeans commitment-phobic? Is that why young Singaporeans are getting married later or even avoiding the idea altogether?

Well, it's hard to say, but admittedly some people seem to have a fear of committing themselves to a relationship. As a result, they waft around in a sea of prospective life partners and never take the step towards dropping the anchor.

Don't get me wrong, some people are perfectly comfortable with being perpetual swinging singles; that's fine, but problems arise when the commitment-phobe actually does want to settle down finally, but is clouding his or her vision in the meantime by being fearful of making a promise to one person. This commitment-phobic person is typically worried that his or her present partner may not be "the one", that there is someone better out there. This person usually enters into half-hearted affairs and never truly finds full and fulfilling relationships.

Many people feel that entering into a committed relationship means the loss of their independence. They experience a niggling feeling that they are selling themselves short, giving up the endless number of opportunities (they think) that await them. This is a false fear.

When you focus on what you're losing, you're disregarding what you're gaining. Sure, you may not be able to come and go as you please or leave the dirty dishes in the sink for as long as you wish, but think about what you're getting - trust and intimacy, for instance. And there will always appear to be so-called "better" potential partners, but they only seem more attractive to you because you only know them on a superficial level. Spend more time with them, get to know them better, and the cracks will begin to show.

Many people also unintentionally sabotage a relationship by not pacing its development. They get caught up in the passionate rush and lust of the initial stage, only to find later that their partner is unsuitable for them. Some people are also so afraid of rejection that they close themselves up like a fan. They refuse to share their real feelings and personalities and are miserly with their time and attention.

If you feel you're ready to make a commitment to someone, make sure you both make the decision together. Discuss your life goals and dreams together and reveal your inner selves to each other. This opening up and embracing the whole person is essential to loving one person exclusively and fully.

STORIES - The Oyster

there once was an oyster
whose story i tell,
who found that some sand
had got into his shell.


it was only a grain,
but it gave him great pain.
for oysters have feelings
although they're so plain.


now, did he berate
the harsh workings of fate
that had brought him
to such a deplorable state?


did he curse at the government,
cry for election,
and claim that the sea
should have given him protection?


'no,' he said to himself
as he lay on a shell,
since i cannot remove it,
i shall try to improve it.


now the years have rolled around,
as the years always do,
and he came to his ultimate
destiny ? stew.


and the small grain of sand
that had bothered him so
was a beautiful pearl
all richly aglow.


now the tale has a moral,
for isn't it grand
what an oyster can do
with a morsel of sand?


what couldn't we do
if we'd only begin
with some of the things
that get under our skin.

Leaving the Corporate World

Many of us started working in the corporate world much by following convention without question. You graduate, you finish National Service, you find a job in a company. It felt like the natural thing to do simply because almost everybody was doing it. But now, after a couple of years toiling away at a 9 to 5 (9 to 9 job for some), you're beginning to question the wisdom of remaining in your job. It's not what you love doing, the politics are a pain, the stress and the hours are increasingly demanding, and you're starting to feel disillusioned and bleak about the future. You're sick of waiting for the weekend for your life to begin.

If you're exhausted with the corporate world, you're not alone. There are over 40 million people in North America today who have left the corporate world to become freelancers, independent contractors, or small business owners. More and more I speak to here are also doing the same or are thinking of taking this road. It's becoming an increasingly viable option as more and more companies these days are outsourcing projects and hiring part-time or freelance employees.

It's a natural progression I suppose, as we become more and more affluent, educated and self-aware that we would demand more from life, more from our work, more from our opportunities. We no longer just want job security or money; we want to be passionate about the work we do, we want to express ourselves more and make a difference in this world. We want to live our lives on our own terms and on our own time. We want to savour more of what this world has to offer - travel, write, dance, sing, compose poetry, volunteer at a charity or animal shelter, spend more time with our family, sail a ship, fly a plane, climb a mountain.

All these infinite possibilities are there we realize, but they usually require a departure from a regular desk-bound job. Not to mention a truckload of guts to take that first step. But make no mistake, many people are doing this successfully and you can too. But before you do, make sure you do your homework. Get the resources you need - books, seminars, workshops. Talk to successful or other aspiring entrepreneurs. Work out your finances and budgets. Identify your core skills and key markets. Hone your craft, make more calls, network! Be your own unstoppable PR machine!

Remember, you have a right to discover your passion, live your purpose, and enjoy the profits and happiness that comes with living your dreams!

Accepting Yourself and Others

When you perceive others to be treating you badly, the usual reaction is to feel resentment and an urge to retaliate or assert yourself. Sometimes you can get some sort of recourse, at other times, assertion may be necessary simply to send a strong signal.

However, there are times when you just can't do anything and there seems to be no way for your steam to escape. You're agitated and hurt but you seem to have no power to feel better. For example, you may have a boss who is authoritarian and pushy. You could quit, but you really need the job right now. What to do?

Well, try not judging him. Try accepting him instead. Now, normally, whenever he makes an unreasonable demand or cutting remark, you'd feel how you were being treated. You'd take the attack personally and imagine talking back. You'd feel the heat flare at your temples and your heart race. You'd keep replaying that incident over and over in your mind and continue to feel upset about it later. Basically causing more damage to yourself than he could possibly afflict.

But once you release the judgement and start seeing your boss with compassion, you'll feel an amazing freedom. Your boss is no longer that forked-tongued monster whom you'd like to strangle, but a flawed human being who's struggling with his own demons. There are obviously catalysts in his life that have caused him to handle his world in this manner, nagging problems that continue to push him to behave this way. In a way, he really deserves your sympathy.

We all struggle physically, emotionally and spiritually to survive in this world. To do this, we use all the means available to us. Our resources may be different and other people will respond in different ways based on what they can grasp or hold onto. We can't understand what it's like to be them, so how can we judge them?

If you think he's being hard on you and you feel angry about it, then you're being equally hard on yourself and on him. But if you stop clamping up and really try and open your heart to people, you'll stop being a slave of negative emotions.

You can apply this to anyone who makes you feel upset - don't judge them, accept them. Accept yourself, build your self-esteem, love yourself too much to feel angry. Over time, your quiet confidence and "non-defense" of yourself will make others think twice about making your life difficult. They will learn that their words and actions have no impact on your peace of mind. You know what they say? "The best revenge is living well." Well, I suppose revenge can be sweet.

Getting Out of Bad Moods

If bad moods and bad days are getting you down, it's time for some serious stress-busting. We all need to do this every once in a while; ideally, as often as we can. Here are some tips to get you smiling again.

We are often the company we keep, so take a close look at the people you tend to surround yourself with. Are they sucking the lifeforce out of you? Don't feel obliged to accommodate them; in fact, by entertaining their whims, you're really making them weak and dependent. So get rid of the emotional vampires in your life.

Next, change your posture. We often don't notice this, but the way we carry ourselves has a big influence on how we feel. When we speak timidly, slouch, shuffle our feet and so on, we're cramping our spirit. This also sends a non-verbal cue to others that you're unhappy and lifeless. So take bigger steps, walk faster, stand taller, speak with more confidence. Let your spirit fly!

Watch what you say. Words exert a tremendous influence on our mood, and if you're consistently using words like "I'll try", "It's tough", "I'm tired", "but" and so on, you're programming yourself for failure. Instead, try using more phrases like "I can", "No problem", "I'm great"! Go upbeat!

Focus on what you want, rather than what you don't want. It's awful the wave of "don't"s we have to deal with everyday - "Don't be late", "don't make a mistake", "don't miss the deadline", "don't forget". But I'm sure you realize that the more we focus on what we're not supposed to do, we're more likely to do it. Like this classic example - don't think of a pink elephant. So, shift your focus to what you want - "I want to be energetic", "I want to do well", "I'll do a great job".

Remember, anyone can feel better instantly; you just have to do it! Stop vexing yourself! Unhappy people dwell on their problems and make up excuses why things can't improve. Happy, optimistic people focus on what's good, the solutions; they are constantly looking forward to the next moment. Go upbeat!

Making Great First Impressions

You've heard it so many times - first impressions last. It's been drummed into us since childhood, but how exactly do we make a good impression? Is it all in the look? What we say? How we say it? Well, all of it, actually. Given that we only have from 7 to 17 seconds of interacting with strangers before they form an opinion of us, it becomes crucial to refine our strategies until they almost become a science. I'm going to leave out appearance though because that's the oldest tip in the book; you know the importance of grooming and attire.

Now, the first thing to remember about making great first impressions is - make the other person the star. Show that the other person (not you) is the centre of the conversation. It's only natural - we all like to talk about ourselves, but give in to that temptation when meeting a stranger and you're unlikely to earn that person's liking and respect. As they say, the most boring thing in the world is me going on and on about myself. However, if you can focus on the other person, your new acquaintance will be eager to see you again.

Next, be a good listener. Not just that, actually demonstrate that you are listening intently and effectively - give affirmative verbal and non-verbal cues like nodding, smiling, maintaining eye contact and saying things like "Great!", That's fascinating!", "Tell me more" and "What did you do next?". All this positive affirmation keeps the conversation going.

Also, use the name of your new acquaintance frequently. For example, "Joe, I really admire your energy to do so many things!" or "That must've been a thrilling experience, Vivienne!" This shows that you have centred the encounter on the other person from the start, catching his or her name during the introduction and more importantly, remembering it. Using the other person's name several times also makes the conversation more intimate and personal.

Now when it comes to humour in initial encounters, the golden rule is: when in doubt, don't use it. No humour is better than having a joke or comment backfire. Funny to you may be sarcastic or insensitive to others.

Next, give up the need to be right. A good argument might be appreciated by close friends but chances are confrontations with someone new will destroy rapport. So as a general rule, don't challenge the other person's statements, or not in an overtly adversarial way.

Finally, remember these three Cs - be Clear, Confident and Convincing.


STORIES - The Touchstone

When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers.

The book wasn't very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the "Touchstone"!

The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold.

So the man sold his few belongings, bought some simple supplies, camped on the seashore, and began testing pebbles. He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold, he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times. So, when he felt one that was cold, he threw it into the sea. He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone. Yet he went on and on this way. Pick up a pebble. Cold - throw it into the sea. Pick up another. Throw it into the sea.

The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. One day, however, about midafternoon, he picked up a pebble and it was warm. He threw it into the sea before he realized what he had done. He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along, he still threw it away.