6/6/06

I just changed my blog address. I don’t want my close friends or those who I know to read my blog. I want to type my true feelings, totally and clearly without hiding feelings. I want to use words that is direct and my kind of words. I want to say what I usually wouldn’t say. This new blog add is to remind myself that i am really such a failure. Even if i work so hard, i couldn't get the results i wanted.

My exam results came out, and to my horror, no distinctions at all. I cannot accept it. I really can't. The effort i've put in. The energy that i put it. I don't want to care how other people fare. I just want to know why didn't I do as well? I am really not an elite. I live an average person's life. I can't proceed on to the higher level. And all i got was just a stupid 2nd class honours.

I got mixed feelings. On one side, I feel happy because i will not be judged as a 1st class honours holder (more stress). On the other hand, I just don't know why i can't beat those other guys. I really don't know why i want to compare. Its just my innate feeling that I must be better than others. I cannot lose to others. I must win them. Fight for glory and honour. I don't qualify as first class just because I can't do the stupid exam well. Good attitude doesn't get you anywhere right?

One weird phenomenum. Although I didn't get any distinction for my core modules. I managed to get it for the business core which is not my core! My only Distinction this sem is the bloody hell fixed income securities. I totally cannot understand. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY. AM I in the wrong course? My derivative securities, my equity securities module, then now my fixed income modules. I GOT DIstinction for all of them!! Why Why why??? I didn't put in alot of effort for fixed income. Why i can get? Why my audit, my advance accounting, my political econs cannot get?!??!?! I am totally devastated. I dread when people ask me.

How am I going to face my future employers? If they ask me why is it like this, I couldn't answer. I started my Uni life as a lousy student, getting only 2 distinctions. Then during year 2, I fly and got more distinctions, and reached a crescendo in year 2 sem 2. THen i started to fall.... slowly, gently and here comes i land like an exhausted idiot. I worked so hard during year 3 and yet..... I don't understand.

Its time for me to really type all my feelings out, details and everything. No one will know that I've changed my blog add. I will not tell anyone about this. For those who reads this, you are someone whom I don't know. I don't mind cuz we most probably don't meet each other at all.

For those who I know and found this blog add. please.... don't let me know. Keep it to yourself. I want to vent all my things here.

THe end of my uni life and i ended up with a 2nd upper honours. I fought so hard during the last sem to see if i can squeeze into the 1st class. To my horror, no distinctions at all despite having all As for class participation and projects. What a joke. So, i'm bad in exam. SO?!?? darn. I can't stand exams.

Did I cry? Yes I did. And it was a fast 15 mins. After that, I don't feel the pinch. I thought it was quite fast. I can't believe myself. I was ok and went to play my maple story after that.

There were a few friends who msged me but, i gave them the hard response. Sorry i was mean but... i don't feel proud about my results.

I once promised my family that i'll bring them to good restaurant if i get first class honours. There goes..... I'll just remain as second class. Always second to the first. Live an average life and work like an average person. Stop wanting to fight. "YOU ARE JUST AN AVERAGE PERSON!" CASE CLOSE.