25/5/05

I settled 2 articles today! uh, terrible haha. I play games the whole day too. Kinda enjoyable.

Tomorrow I need to go to school to settle some things. My mind is just so empty now. The effect of playing too much games. Nothing to type.

Slice of Life

An Extra Marital Affair

An extra-marital affair can very often kill a marriage, but it doesn't always have to end in divorce. In fact, strange as it may sound, an extra-marital affair can sometimes help strengthen a marriage, by helping a couple identify what's ailing in their relationship.

I'm not here to argue the moral or religious aspects of it, but an extra-marital affair is undeniably a life-changing event. In the aftermath of discovery, emotions can spiral out of control. It would be fair to expect that the spouse who didn't have the affair would feel betrayed, inadequate, confused, and angry. However, after the dust has settled, it's vital for the couple to detach themselves from the negative feelings and ask themselves these questions:

Why did the extra-marital affair happen? Is the reason a pre-existing flaw in the marriage? Can both parties agree on the reason? Does the extra-marital affair warrant getting a divorce? Is the marriage worth saving? Are both parties willing to put this in the past and move on?

If you are currently trying to save your marriage and one of you had an extramarital affair, try to limit your pain that you feel and talk things out with your spouse so you can clearly define and agree upon exactly why the extramarital affair took place. If you cannot do this, chances are you will never get over the extramarital affair and your marriage most likely won't survive.

After you have defined and agreed upon the reason that the extramarital affair took place, you must decide whether that reason (or reasons) warrant actually going through a painful divorce. At this point you have two choices - either decide on your own or decide with your spouse. The latter is optimal for a variety of reasons but the main reason is that you may actually save your marriage if you decide together. Deciding together whether the real reason an extramarital affair took place indicates that you're both really reaching out for something, something you most likely didn't have, prior to the extramarital affair, which is togetherness.
So, should you get a divorce just because one of you had an extramarital affair?

No, not necessarily. Depending on how collaborative you can be with your spouse, how objective and fair you can be in assessing the pros and cons of the marriage, and how much soul searching you can do, you may just become stronger together because of an extra-marital affair. It may sound odd, but that's the truth. We all make mistakes. The essential thing is whether we can learn from our mistakes to become better people. Trust won't be easy to earn back after an extra-marital affair, but it will have so much more value for you and your spouse.