26/7/06

How Being Good Can Be Bad for You

If you're like most people, your parents brought you up to be a "good" person - "be polite", "don't talk back", "stop pouting", "always share", "tell the truth", "stop complaining", "smile", "don't cry", "stop asking questions", "don't be selfish", and so on. This so-called "good" child is the pride of Mommy and Daddy and grows up, in the early years, to be everyone's darling.

But when this "good" child grows into an adult, these are the kinds of behaviour they display - they force themselves to smile even when they're upset, they accept tasks and situations they don't like just to accommodate others, they hardly ever assert their own needs, pepper their words with "should" and "ought to", cannot accept compliments and never believe that they're really good at something, and occasionally become perplexingly upset then try to put you on guilt trips or punish you in some way.

I could go on, but you get the idea. You see how these "good" boys and girls can be frustrating as men and women? Their parents meant well, as most parents do, but these parents have taught their children to suppress their real emotions and needs in order to fit in with the world. These people are often emotionally-draining because they come across as two-faced, and they rarely give useful feedback. As a result, they're often not successful in their relationships with others.

Adults who were raised as "good" children are also less able to cope with change and the unpredictable turns in life. They are most comfortable within rigid structures and routines and are terrified of any deviance from the path. They cannot distinguish between destructive and constructive criticism. Any negative comment made about them is seen as harsh. They love playing the victim because doing so gives them an excuse for continuing their behaviour. They require a lot of attention and love but cannot truly accept them. They pride themselves on their steadfast adherence to rules and establishment. "Good" people are made to become cogs in the wheels of industry. They make great workers but hardly succeed at being a leader, friend, or partner. They smile and agree with the people they actually oppose and regard them with suspicion and envy. They criticize these so-called "deviants" but secretly wish they could be like them, to have their freedom. But the iron cages of childhood conditioning are often too strong.

I'm not saying that you raise brats, but examine more closely how you're bringing up your child. Are you raising him to be a successful and happy adult? Or an eternal child trapped in a grown-up's body?

Marriage-Killing Myths

Many couples enter a marriage with critical misconceptions of what it takes to make it work. They go in thinking that love will take care of everything, that just because they're now legally united that both parties are automatically obligated to meet each others' whims and expectations. That your partner will gradually change to suit your ideals, that time and familiarity will smooth over the rough edges and magically transform him or her into the giving, loving, reliable, mature spouse and parent.

These misconceptions are not only inaccurate, they're the main reasons why marriages fail. Today, let's talk about these false beliefs and how they can destroy your marriage.

Many married couples take it for granted that their spouse should automatically know what they need and want. That because they "love" them, that they can somehow read their minds. They often don't express their authentic thoughts and desires, preferring instead to drop hints or pretend to be ok with the way things are. When their needs continue to be unfulfilled over time, the pent-up hurt and disappointment can result in a nasty display. The spouse meanwhile is completely baffled.

To many couples, marriage also appears to be the panacea for any defects in the relationship. Marriage is so often portrayed or spoken of as the ultimate dream, a sacrosanct union, and so on that it has taken on an almost magical sheen. People actually do believe that marriage can and will solve all problems, that once that destination has been reached, that they can heave a sigh of relief and let go. They believe that marriage will change whatever flaws they see in their partner - that she will finally begin to wash and cook and well, turn into a Stepford Wife, that he will stop going out with his beer buddies, that she will want three children, that he will become more mature, stop clowning around and make more money. Again, a complete myth. Marriage is the next step in the journey. It's not a solution, nor a dream, nor a magic spell. Don't marry your partner because you think it will turn him or her into your ideal partner.

It's also commonly believed that you should always put your spouse's needs first. Again, a dangerous conviction. Marriage is not about being an emotional slave. It's not about guilt that you feel if you fail to meet your spouse's expectations. Always putting other people's needs before your own demonstrates a lack of respect and love for yourself, and it won't be long before your own repressed needs begin to sour the relationship.

So check your reasons for marriage. How many of them are really myths?

STORIES - Fitting In

Zumbach the Tailor was renowned for his fashionable suits. A man went to him to be fitted for a new suit.

After Zumbach altered the suit, the man stood in front of the mirror to check the fit. At first glance he noticed that the suit jacket's right arm sleeve was rather short, and too much of his wrist was showing.

"Say, Zumbach," the fellow noted, "this sleeve looks a little short. Would you please lengthen it?"

"The sleeve is not too short," replied the tailor. "Your arm is too long... Just pull your arm back a few inches and you will see that the sleeve fits perfectly." The man withdrew his arm a bit, and the sleeve was matched with his wrist. But this movement rumpled the upper portion of the jacket.

"Now the nape of the collar is several inches above my neck," he protested."

"There's nothing wrong with the collar," Zumbach insisted. "Your neck is too low. Lift the back of your neck and the jacket will fit well." The customer raised his neck a few inches, and sure enough the collar rounded it where it was supposed to. But now there was another problem: the bottom of the jacket rested high above his seat.

"Now my whole rear end is sticking out!" the man complained.

"No problem," Zumbach returned. "Just lift up your rear end so it fits under the jacket." Again the customer complied, which left his body in a very contorted posture. But Zumbach had convinced him that the problem was not with the suit, but him. So he paid the tailor for the suit and walked out of the shop in a most awkward position, struggling to keep all parts of the suit in their right places.

On the street he encountered two women walking in the opposite direction. After they passed, one woman turned to the other and commented, "That poor man is really crippled!"

"He sure is," the other replied. "But that suit looks fabulous on him."

Many of us repress our authentic selves when trying to fit into society. Although we might enjoy a semblance of acceptance, ultimately, we're being untrue and disrespectful to ourselves. So is your tailor altering the suit to fit your body or are you contorting your body to fit the tailor's suit?

Letting Go of the Need to Be Right

All of us love being right. We all want to appear clever and witty. In trying to be right though, we often make the false assumption that we have to make the other person wrong. This need to be right all the time can also compel us to be bossy and unpleasant and narrow-minded.

But nobody likes a Know-It-All. Besides, this need to be right all the time can become an addiction - it can make us focus on the wrong things, fuss about the details without seeing the bigger picture. It can also be a huge strain on our ego when we feel we have lost an argument or challenge. Some people spend all their time just clamouring to win in every discussion.

This need to be right stems from insecurity, a lack of self-esteem and empowerment. After all, isn't the need to be right simply the fear of being wrong? And with this fear running your life, how can you be comfortable with yourself? Or be at ease with other people? Fear almost always causes us to be suspicious and bigoted. And of course, if you're always trying to be right, you're not learning from others, and are consistently repeating your mistakes.

Life is about being yourself, accepting your flaws, learning from your mistakes, and improving on your strengths. Give yourself the freedom to be wrong! In fact, it's good to be wrong sometimes because that means you've learnt something new. You're always becoming a better person. Of course, I'm using the term "wrong" loosely here; after all, it's always just a point of view.

So if you always feel that nagging voice in your head going "Go on! Assert your authority! You have to be right! Otherwise you'll lose face!", try letting go. Give yourself permission to be wrong sometimes; express yourself more honestly and openly. You'll find that very often, people do want compromise, and there is a way to contribute to the discussion without having all your opinions validated.

Let go of the need to be right, and just listen. Really open up and analyse what's being said or unsaid. People can teach you a lot and tell you about themselves and life if you only allow them to. We're all looking for happiness and knowledge; allow yourself to learn. Ask more questions. Allow people to share their wisdom and know-how.

You'll heave a big sigh of relief that you can finally loosen that noose, I mean, tie, and allow yourself to be just human.


Love in a Time of Dual Career Families

We live in an age of dual career families - as living standards rise, it's inevitable that more and more couples find it necessary for both parties to bring in the bacon. And as women become more empowered, it's natural that they too would want to earn their keep and develop satisfying careers.

But because each person has to dedicate a huge chunk of their lives to their careers, the risk of endangering the relationship is quite high. Failure to properly manage your professional and romantic roles can send cracks through the foundation of your relationship. Many couples call it a day because at the end of the very long and onerous day, they find love just a tad too exhausting to keep alive.

So if you're both career-oriented people, how can you continue to make the relationship fulfilling?

Too often, working couples boil it down to mere lack of time - "I've no time to be romantic", "I've no time to indulge her", "I've no time to take a vacation". Though poor time management is one of the culprits, there are several other factors at play when a relationship begins to fray.

Many professionals are so involved with their work that it consumes their thoughts and actions. They're usually very passionate about their work and are very successful in their field. They feel respected and empowered at work and when they come home, they expect the relationship to do the same for them. Unfortunately, a happy marriage doesn't happen by default.

You may be the boss at the office and might not have to compromise much in your professional capacity, but the dynamics are radically different when you switch back to being a spouse and a lover. If you're used to getting your way at work, you may find it difficult to negotiate at home.

The key to making a dual career relationship work is mutual respect. Honour the work that your spouse does. He or she probably experiences a lot of stress at the office and the home should be a sanctuary. Respect your partner's professional aspirations and don't always expect you to come first in every situation.

In the next programme, we'll talk about some practical ways to balance your work and family lives.


Love in a Time of Dual Career Families (2)

In the last programme, we talked about the reality of dual career families in developed countries like Singapore. Because of rising living standards, education and self-empowerment, both parties in many marriages are career-oriented - they love their jobs, they thrive on the challenges, authority, respect and sense of achievement they get from their work. But when they come home and realize the complexities of maintaining a healthy marriage, they can often become disillusioned with their spouses and devote more and more of their time and energy to their careers. Needless to say, the relationship becomes diluted and unrewarding over time.

One of the biggest problems dual career relationships face is lack of time. You hear statements like this all the time - "But I just can't afford the time to say little-sweet-nothings!", or "I work 12 hours a day! I'm too tired for anything else when I get home!". Many couples do realize that their relationship is suffering from a lack of quality time, but they often do nothing about it. They behave almost as if their hands are tied and they're simply doomed. If you know you're not investing enough time in your spouse, do something about it! A happy lovelife will also give your career a boost!

Coordinate your schedule with your spouse's timetable. At least once a week, plan an activity you can both enjoy - it could be a night out, an afternoon by the beach or even a game of Scrabble. Interaction within a fun and relaxed space is crucial to keeping your relationship loving and rewarding - it reminds both of you that your marriage is more than just household or parental responsibilities.

Just as important is allocating some timeout for yourself by yourself. Don't cram out your inner soul with work and duties and other people. Find some time every week or every day if possible to just let your spirit settle. Your pool reflects much more clearly when it's calm. This is when you will organize your thoughts and tasks and receive answers to the problems you might be facing.

And never stop communicating with your spouse - and I don't mean yet another reminder about fixing the car or applying for that loan - I mean a sharing of real emotions, dreams and hopes, even something as simple as a compliment.

And remember, your spouse's career is an important part of him or her. So if it makes him or her happy, give your support. Your spouse will appreciate you for respecting his or her professional role.

Curing the Fear of Change

A major block to lasting happiness and success in life is the fear of change. This fear keeps us within the confines of our safety nets, and turns us into jittery, miserable wrecks whenever we are faced with the possibility of change.

But change is unavoidable. By sticking to our routines and comfort zones, we may be able to resist it for a time, but how tightly can we seal our personal spaces? We may think that we're at peace in our safe havens but our days are really clouded by doubt and worry; we're eternally anxious that change will eventually come.

No, this "peace" that we enjoy in our comfort zones is an illusion. To attain true peace and happiness, we must reduce or even eliminate our fear of change. The crucial thing to understand here is that life is a series of events, some pleasurable, some painful. No one is constantly on an ascending trend. Living life is like riding the waves - we need to ride the crests with optimism and purpose and face the crashes with the will to let them make us better persons.

Most people are afraid of change because they think that it's going to affect them negatively. But change is not always for the worse; change can occur to improve things. Besides, you know what happens when things remain still for too long - monotony sets in, the machinery gathers dust and damp and eventually stops, the muscles become weak, the fish die, and everything eventually becomes a wasteland. This can happen too with your mind and body. Happiness is not static; it has to move around. When you try to trap it in a jar, it loses its breath and life.

Happy people know this truth. They don't attempt to preserve or keep their joys. Their joys are like ever-changing, ever vivacious guests, constantly passing through the halls of their homes. This is how happiness renews itself - it seeks new experiences, new people; painful experiences only serve to sharpen its senses for the next joyful experience.

If you tend to worry about change, ask yourself these questions - what are the positive impacts that can result from the change? How would someone else handle it? And what's the worst case scenario? Is it really that bad? We tend to be overly-dramatic when it comes to change affecting us, but when it happens to others, it's usually more reasonable. More often than not, we're terrorized by the fear itself, not the change per se. Ask yourself these questions, and you'll feel your anxiety fade away.