11/08/06

Once in a while, I really feel like typing. Currently, 2 ppl knows my blog add. I don't know why do I give. Do I still wan ppl to know how I'm doing, to know how i'm feeling, to know how i'm suffering.

I've been in contact with pop music too much. Listening to those lyrics and melody really makes me feel more and more painful inside. With recent encounters, with recent turbulence, days seems even harder to pass.

I remembered I had a hard time sleeping one night, don't know if its because of the 2 teh tariks or because of..... I woke up at 3am to play maple to kill time. You know, after I've started work, I suddenly feel that I have lost my confidence and dignity once again. Being the lowest lifeform in the company really makes me feel like i'm a junk, so live like one. What I miss is those days where people look at me as someone dependable, respectable, and fun to be with. The only place where i can feel that is.... in Maplestory now. That explains why I like to be inside.

In maple, I'm a high level Hermit now, wacking monsters like no body's business. I am also in a guild where people respect me, ask me things and even trust their char accounts with me too. I like people who believe in me, trust me and really respect me. Even though I have not met those ppl before, they really treat me very well. Some are paying me to train their characters as well. Where can I find such happiness outside? Where?

After so long of being dorment in my blog, I suddenly wan to vomit out everything. I'm starting to rethink about the aim in my life again. I have lost direction. I don't seem to be able to excel in work. I don't have a love life to depend on as well. My family is sometimes up and down (i'm tired of unstableness). The only way that i feel motivated again is by watching Naruto.

Naruto teaches me alot of things. Being determined, chiong for everything. Don't easily say give up. Fight for what you believe, and believe in what you do. Being direct and truthful. The spirit of Ninja. I admire the friends Naruto has, all truthful and fun. Even when Sasuke betrayed Naruto, Naruto did not give up. He went all out to get his buddy back. I like this brotherhood feeling. It makes me tear when I see some of the scenes inside. Who says anime can't teach you anything?

I'm really so sad about the recent encounters. Who understands? I've been so dejected, rejected, and ejected into space. Some ppl says that its just that you haven't meet your one in life. But I say its useless to hope for one or even try to meet one. No use. Somehow, I've come to know how my friend felt back then. Its really a pain. I thought i've left my heart behind. Somehow, and I hate it, it came back again. I'm now trying to get rid of it again. Do my work, play my music, Sing my heart.

I want to sing. I've been singing with the radio, and I felt more than in the past. I could express more than usual, the pronounciation, the melody flow, phrasing, and tone. Not that i'm boosting but... I really love to sing when i'm feeling sad. It will be one day soon when I can sing and tear.

I know I'm showing alot of soft side of me. The two friends who have my blog add will be able to see this. but I think they won't anyhow spread things. I don't need anyone to spread or console me. Further consoling will only add on to my pain when I'm trying to forget everything.

Live on, and thrive in the sad world with no purpose. I'll try to find mine... soon. Hope.