20/5/06

Worst 3 days of my life.

I'm lucky to know a friend who can brighten people's life. Draw!!

Slice of life

Repairing Your Marriage (Part 2)

No marriage is perfect, and though not all couples will get into vehement brawls every once in a while, disagreement is bound to occur now and then. The important thing therefore is not avoiding fights completely, but learning how to recover from them.

In the last programme, we talked about some ways to repair your marriage after damage done by conflict, like giving a simple but sincere apology and confiding the feelings underlying the outbursts like fear or embarrassment.

It's also important to try to understand your spouse's point of view. Empathy doesn't mean you have to agree with what your partner is saying; it simply means you acknowledge how he or she feels. Very often, just knowing that you understand where your spouse is coming from is enough to defuse the tension. For example, you could say things like "I see what you mean; I never thought about it that way".

Next, accept some responsibility for your part in the conflict. In any struggle, no one party is completely innocent. By your action or inaction, past indiscretions or fears, both of you have made moves to contribute to the current problem. When you refuse to assume any responsibility, you're closing up, being defensive and self-righteous instead of being open and understanding.

When you're open, you seek compromise. You look for similarities instead of differences. Once you're on common ground, it becomes easier to work on the most important issues at hand instead of getting carried away by the negative emotions and petty jibes. For instance, both of you may want to discipline the kids but have different ways of doing so.

And commit to behaviour that continues to bring the relationship increasingly mature and fulfilling levels. Saying "sorry" but repeating the offending behaviour just smacks of hypocrisy. Make sure that you mean to change and take concrete steps towards improving the situation. You could, for example, say things like "I promise not to linger in bed after the alarm has gone off" or "I'll stop after two drinks" and do it. In fact, if you can under-promise and over-deliver, even better!

Very often, love brings two people together, but a sad lack of conflict management skills drives them apart. Any happy, loving couple can become victims of their own ignorance and arrogance. I hope these marriage-saving tips will serve you and your spouse well.