13/11/06

Such coldness in the office. Alone, stranded at one corner. Needed by no one, no job, no assignment. Everyone left office for their new job assignment. At the corner of the office, I'm alone.... waiting for something to do, for someone to ask me to do something. Waiting for time..... to pass.

A new definition in how I feel...

Engines of life, Physically stalled last week, Mentally stalled this week. I don't dare to think about next week.

Too many things in maple affected me. My guild leader disappointed me and made me lose out on a bid for a good weapon. People inside just likes to bully people. Or.... am I just assuming that they are bullying me and allow them to do that and resign to fate? Or am I just weak in nature.

I didn't talk much, not even when friends are around. My face dark and black throughout. Signs of headache... the cold has gone into my head. I am not trying to be cool in front of people, I'm just frozen. I just don't know what to say to my friends. I just think that keeping quiet is the best way of staying away of trouble.

My voice box just doesn't want to speak. My mind just don't want to communicate. The wall is up, fortified, and more indestructible as before. Often, I have ideas and things that I want to say, but my mouth just couldn't open. My mind says " there is no need, stay out of it. Shut up"

How long can I stand this? How long. How can I help myself? How? So many how? I need to get myself out of this but how? Is my lifestyle causing these problems? Too much games? Too little interaction with living things?

Many a times, I find myself communicating more using musical means. I sang in ktv, using all my effort and feelings. I felt so relieved during the ktv session on last sat. My friends then continued the outing to a place (in JB) for a seafood meal while I went back Singapore for band prac... I actually felt that I did the right thing of leaving the group.... I reviewed that situation and considered the following points:

1) I wouldn't have spoken much during the meal, so it doesn't make a diff if i stay or not

2) My friend's car doesn't have enough space for me, so I better leave

3) I saved money!!

4) I'm back in singapore and safe from getting robbed

But..... I lost the chance to interact with friends... which I am still unsure if I lack it.

Do I need interaction? Can I live totally with inanimated objects? Can I (or even any human) truly live in solitude forever? Am I training myself for the future?

Why am I running away from all gatherings? Is money a consideration? Is my weird behaviors a consideration? Is my presence that important in big groups at all?

当一个人渐渐远离人群，慢慢被遗忘的时候，离开就变成没有那么痛。

I kept thinking of those words..... The meaning of leaving.... where am I going? Where? A total disappearance? Or just a partial departure?

Why am I typing all these....? Worst of all, in office.... THat just shows... how much I have nothing to do..... Is this a way to get rid of me? Giving me nothing to do? Forcing me to be in a difficult situation in future when I have so little experience in audit?

What if I get to be a team in charge? What will happen? Will I catch up? How to survive? Or just give up? Run away? Hide. FIght ? COnfused.....

SIck, idiotic, pathetic, ....... I just need time.... to pick myself.....

How much longer?? 2 weeks already..... how much longer more? I want to smile.... where... CAn't find.... WHY??? I don't know what i'm typing now......... sTOP STOP!!