10/03/05

There are too many bad things thats happening to me lately. Sometimes I couldn't take it actually. First, gotten stressed by friends, then stressed by the tutor that we seek to find for FYP. Third, I couldn't even walk very straight. Fever coming on and off. I got so much work that I might as well just faint. I gotta keep my cool here but I'm falling and falling down really. Very very sick with work and life. I need to sit down and think. Think how to get out from this adversity. I really couldn't take it when I see so many things going on in my mind. Would someone save me from this?

I've always trusted my groupmates for things to be done in projects, can I entrust them again? It seems like i'm not a very good group member afterall. There are just so many bad things about my way of doing work. I live in solitude, and I tend to put my thinking on other people. Thats in terms of projects. Seriously, I don't check their work, because I believe in them and the overall grades would depend on their contributions as well. I'm those kind that doesn't mind sinking with my comrades. If you don't work, We'll sink together.

This time, its not that easy to walk out of this stress zone. Weekly tutorials, 5 modules. 4 projects outstanding. 1 presentation next week, 2 reports the week after, 1 report and database project 3 weeks later, a big 20 pages report 4 weeks later. Not to say, a 10% quiz is coming 4 weeks later as well. On top of all those idiotic work load, my FYP group has to read tons of articles and come out with a topic that is to the liking of that tutor. Somehow, I would just feel like giving up on searching. Just assign me one and I'll just do whatever. I seems like such a weakling. Can the boat become straight as it reaches its harbour?

If my group mates isn't worried, I am. No one knows what kind of life i'm living. I know others will say that they are not living a nice life too. Comparing to mind. 4 hrs travelling to school a day. every week, I gotta teach band for a day that last for 5 hrs including travelling. Weekends, I got my Westwind commitment that will last for another 5 hours. Given my speed in doing tutorials, I need 2 hours at least for 1 tutorial, that means 10 hours of work during weekends, 4 hrs per weekend day. Other times? Rest, no leisure, no time for stoning, no time for anything. No one understands.

During meetings, I seem to be the slackest person. Others are all multitasking, doing other things and discussing the projects as well. They might think that I'm just a slacker who doesn't prepare for anything. But behind the stage, how much time was spent doing things... no one knows. no one knows.

WHO UNDERSTANDS ME? I like to complain. And I'm pretty annoyed by little actions that make me feel worthless. Yes face it, I'm very sensitive. Even more sensitive than the pain reflex system in the body. I read signals, I hear tones, I see expressions. Someone also said that I'm a dictionary, knowledgeable, but sorry, I think I'm just a lousy act big person. I don't perform as well as others in terms of everything. If I couldn't be better than others, I couldn't see my selfworth. No way.

Does growing older= better life? No, I miss my childhood life. In fact, I got no childhood. Perhaps childhood with machines. Who says I'm good in socialising with people? I'm a damn wierd person. Does society accept people who admits his weakness? This is especially cruel for guys. What stereotyping jerks. Guys shouldn't show their weaker side? What the hell. Its damn true. But I can't hide. Why smile when you want to scold people? I couldn't. My face is naturally bad, because alot of things do piss me off. Temperamental. Is that the word? Have I heard before that Musicians are temperamental? One side hot and the other side cold. Flipping between these 2 is as easy as flipping a coin.

I need a counsellor. More man in Singapore are seeking psycho help now. Am I one of them? Damn.

Concert

Went for NUS band concert. Nice second half songs. Good balance and nice mood.

Thank to my friend, H, for accompanying me.

(Paragraph without words, how i wish this can be encrypted so that i can type it out)
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