26/10/05

A test of my limits, a battle within oneself. A mental struggle, a sense of guilt. But I managed to pull through the internal test even though the temptation was so great. Well, I fell into the temptation for a while. Thats where the guilt came in and pulled me out. This kind of feeling just appears too many times, in so many different situations. One example..... some words just couldn't come out and when it wants to come out, I managed to swallow it back haa. Well, too many times.

So what happened today you ask? Ah, I was studying lah, and planned to finish 3 lectures.... but after 2, I gave up and went to play game.....then guilt hit me.... then i went study again. Managed to finish what I planned. A satisfied child.

Ahhhhh yesterday rewrote some essay things and clocked 637 words, way below the 650 mark for my part. But when I received the final version, it was 470 words. I just can't be bothered to voice out. I don't voice out major things nearing deadlines... and I don't want to stress people out too. I am also lazy.... also don't wanna be a bad boy and ask them to shorten their part and lengthen my part. I don't like to argue.... anything goes for me. The professionals say:" you can state your point and justify your points. If they agree, then you get what you wan. No hard feelings."

Nope, I'm afraid of people blaming me. And on top of that, I'm not the one who compile. So, if I didn't not contribute enough to something, I will tell myself that I am in no position to make criticisms. I guess that has to do with my personality also.... if i'm the one handling the thing, I will not like people to tear my things apart. Once again, I'm lazy to argue my points. Even if i argue, I will lose because my left and right brain aren't nicely connected with the "mid-brain" gel. If need be, I'll state my points using music haaa. I'm crazy.

Tomorrow is another presentation, and I'm the last speaker. I realised that there are skills to be learnt being different speakers. As I'm mostly the first speaker, I learnt the art of TRYING to get people's attention. Being the middle speaker, I've learnt to be as concised as possible so as to leave some time for the last speaker. Being a last speaker (once only), I have to keep to the timing.... Something stupid happened when I was the last speaker.... That bloody tutor said "TIMES UP" immediately when I wanted to start.... I said to the crowd," ok lets ignore all the crap and go on to the last slide (I have only 2 slides at the end)." Well, I got the crowd's attention, but I left out my contents. It was fun actually.