12/11/05

Supposed to study alot today, but then I slack more than I study. Getting sian already. Watched Naruto alot alot. Nice nice. Alot of things we can learn from it. Values to learn.

But then, I sense my hatred inside me being drawn out. Similar to someone in that anime. Yes hate. This has led me to block my friend a second time. I thought I could let go the anger, thats why I unblock the first time. I know I'm very aggressive towards those who "destroy" me. But, I don't take real actions. Real actions is defined as, fight, scold, destroy that person. I avoid. There is no way I could set myself out to take real actions, and I will definitely gonna lose out in the end. Sure fight lose one. haaa.

I definitely want to avoid that person but...... I still have something with that person. Now I just want that thing back and I've msged that person. Guess what.... I've put that intention in the nicest way possible and yet...... no reply.... it has been 1 hr 45 mins. And I definitely confirm that friend is still awake. Maybe I'm really a pest, as what my nick suggest. SORRY LOH!! ITs BASIC MANNERS.

Sometimes, I really wonder if i'm asking too much from my friends. Expect this expect that, expect them to treat me nicely because I always want to treat them nicely. But, I've been experiencing too many and too many shitty situations, and most of the time "Its ok lah" comes out of my mouth, and I'll smile to them afterwards.

Maybe I should:
"what the F are you doing? This is not what I expected. Hey this work is substandard. I think you can do better."
" Hey you are late! Damn it, waste my time. You know I could have done alot of things during this time?"
"What?? I made a wasted trip? You could have told me that there is no practice today! darn"
"I msged you like 5 hrs ago and now then you reply."

All these words right in their face? I face this kind of situations so many times..... I have never voiced out. It could be due to a guy's nature.... my nature. It could be viewed as whining. Bad whining. Too many situations..... too many. I can say i've gotten used to most of the things because Singaporeans, including me doesn't think so much for other people. Yup. Settled. If you can't beat them, join them.

I've gotten used to:
"people ignoring me"
"people rejecting my request"
"people not answering my msgs"
"people doing last minute changes"
"people turning up late for meetings" (in which I began to turn up late. One place where turning up late doesn't matter is...... Westwinds)
"people not being serious when its time to get serious"

I guess I'm just being whinny. Where can you find a guy who whines sooooo much? Its difficult to be with a musician.... true. Very temperamental, moods changed easily. And very sensitive to moods and people. I'm a difficult person to be with. Beware.

Tomorrow is performance and I have no confidence. If I have a choice, I would have told my conductor:" I'm sorry, I can't do the solo." But..... I have no choice. No matter how ill prepared I am, I'll just have to go through it. My lips muscles did not have enough conditioning for this performance. I got a feeling that my cheeks is going to weaken after 3 pieces.