16/4/07

I'm starting to feel the stress senior has. The difference is, seniors will have the knowledge enough to solve any problems juniors like me face. For me to think of solutions to solve problems of people even more junior than me is..... not an easy task. I don't like the feeling. I think I'll ask for help.... help..... (as though thats gonna help)

Because of this problem, I don't have mood to do anything tonight. My body is feeling strange as well, so tired, so lazy. Just don't feel like moving. But I know, thats signs of other things... but I'm gonna ignore for now.

I hope things will get better as days go by. Anyway, I feel that my current job seniors are nice. They joke and chat quite a bit but that also means an increase in inefficient time... who cares?

I'm looking forward to the day when I officially hand in my resignation letter. I really can't stand using my brain so much now. I really wanna do music, something that needs a little talent and alot of perseverance. I want to do something that a worker like me can excel in. I don't need to be super talented to be successful in it.

Thats all i wanna say for now.

15/4/07

Does one have to twist their face so much during singing to make themself sound good? Well, if that is the case, I shall learn. Equipped with a unique voice, Yui's glitter surpassed all who went for the audition with Sony Records. She isn't those type that you'll say she looks like goddess. But with that kind of voice, I bet she'll be able to warm up many hearts.

Somehow, these few days or perhaps this week was not as good as I thought. But then again, I'm recovering from it at a quick rate. I guess music healed me. Sometimes I really hate heavy rock but then again, Yui's heavy rock didn't seem too heavy for me. Maybe its at tolerance level but still tolerable.

I like the sound of a tuned guitar. When one strum's a chord, the chord rings in harmony. I like that crispy sound. I can feel it. Music... not heard, but felt.

Today went to watch a free concert performance in Esplanade. Watching it alone isn't that bad eh. I can look around the hall while the music is going on. I can close my eyes, I can do whatever I want. After the concert, I can just walk out and go wherever I want.

The freedom of being alone. I can choose to have idols in my heart. I don't know why the stereotypes would think that any guys who idolise girl actresses would be because of "dirty" minds. Can't guys idolise female actresses or singers? There are all sorts of other reasons too. Like, because of the sweetness, because of the smiles, the heart, and how the actresses drew tears out of guys.... can?

Just a little side track here. I don't know who'll be reading this blog but, whoever you are, feel free to tag me. You can remain as anonymous, i don't mind. Sore Ja, thats all for today. Lets hope one day I can type my blog in japanese. heee

9/4/07

I'm experiencing alot of new things lately. New experience, new thoughts, new feelings. Well, let me list them one by one.

First is about my job. Currently, working as an audit associate. Its a shit life. But then again, my life till now in audit can be considered one of the best life. But I can't foresee myself staying here for the next few years. The work and stress that one has to take is really too much for my capacity. I don't have a very stable mental state. In fact, there is a violent soul inside me. I know I might one day punch someone if I stay in this audit field longer. The only thing that can calm me down is music. I'm moving away from audit, into music.

It was during a weekend when thoughts flooded through my mind. Without much thoughts at that time, I chose to be a musician by signing on as a regular in the SAF bands. I know I'll not be given alot of money but I know my mind can reach a stable and safe state there. My audition was in January and I passed my IPPT on 7th March. Till now, I'm still waiting for them to call me to confirm my application. They are.... really slow.

Second, I have decided to try alot of new things and to pursue what I've not manage to have time to do in the past. I started practicing my keyboard alot. Bought music books to practice. Through these few weeks of practice, I find that my left hand's dexterity improved. How amazing it is for my left hand to play something which I thought i could never do it. Even typing on the computer keyboard becomes faster. (english is still as bad, i know)

After watching a jap drama series, I've started to regain my interest in guitar too. I've gotten back some of my books which i lent to some friends long time ago. Its time to get back everything and leave nothing hanging over...

I've also started to gain super interested in the Jap language. I went to library to borrow books, and did whatever to know the language more.

Now, I really want to learn as much things as I can. I'm 24 now, not much time to live on. If my max age is 80, I would have to earn enough by 60 for retirement. But I will still want to work even after retirement. There are alot of things which I want to try.

1) work in a retail industry
2) learn how to bake cake
3) stay in Japan for a few years in the future
4) sit in a racer's car and experience the thrill
5) perform on stage with a world class orchestra in future
6) Conduct my own band and get recognised

Regarding music performance, I won't be majoring in Euphonium. I've taken the challenge to start learning Bassoon. I hope I'll do well. No matter what, I'll put in my best to learn it well. Behold..... the man with tonnes of determination is back. Chiong loh

8/4/07

I'm back... (I wonder why I'm back) after so long of the dormant period for postings in blog. This time, I write with no specific audience in mind. Just for myself.

One post is definitely not enough for what happened since the last time I posted. There were tonnes of experiences, feelings and regrets (if any).

It is only recently that I've decided to give up playing maple story and put the time elsewhere for other things.... other more meaningful stuffs.

Seriously, I've spent way too much time on useless gamings. I don't know what I've learnt from it other than.... getting bullied, scolding ppl, see the real world and how kids are growing up in this new computer age.

These thoughts came soon after I watched some Japanese dramas. They taught me alot of things. They also re-enforced some of my philosophy in life.

Time is ticking every moment and really, seriously, life is fragile. Make full use of all the time you have to do something meaningful, to yourself or to others.

As for my inner self, its really up and down throughout these 4 mths. And believe it or not, I've decided to move out of audit. I'm aspiring to be a full time musician, satisfying the thirst in my heart for some warmth. The coldness of the business world does give me shivers. Way too cold.

Today, I visited a place (in the online world) and noted something which made me wanna come back to write. I find that fate is playing tricks... and I've left a clue behind. If that person manage to solve it, then.... its really... perhaps unbelievable. I thought my mind has already settled down... but again, it was shaken slightly which made me left the clue. How... dumb, I thought. Well I can't be bothered so much, just wanting to live my life to the fullest now, even if i'm just alone.

Hitori janai. music ga arimasu. Ima wa ukashi ga gambarimasu. Ja mata.

10/12/06

Performed with Moulmein Wind Symphony at Singapore Conference Hall. Today watched SAF band concert at Esplanade. Totally amazing and enjoyable sound. The band has transformed so much. World Class band. No doubt. The details of it, leave in inside my memories. Shall share no more.

13/11/06

Such coldness in the office. Alone, stranded at one corner. Needed by no one, no job, no assignment. Everyone left office for their new job assignment. At the corner of the office, I'm alone.... waiting for something to do, for someone to ask me to do something. Waiting for time..... to pass.

A new definition in how I feel...

Engines of life, Physically stalled last week, Mentally stalled this week. I don't dare to think about next week.

Too many things in maple affected me. My guild leader disappointed me and made me lose out on a bid for a good weapon. People inside just likes to bully people. Or.... am I just assuming that they are bullying me and allow them to do that and resign to fate? Or am I just weak in nature.

I didn't talk much, not even when friends are around. My face dark and black throughout. Signs of headache... the cold has gone into my head. I am not trying to be cool in front of people, I'm just frozen. I just don't know what to say to my friends. I just think that keeping quiet is the best way of staying away of trouble.

My voice box just doesn't want to speak. My mind just don't want to communicate. The wall is up, fortified, and more indestructible as before. Often, I have ideas and things that I want to say, but my mouth just couldn't open. My mind says " there is no need, stay out of it. Shut up"

How long can I stand this? How long. How can I help myself? How? So many how? I need to get myself out of this but how? Is my lifestyle causing these problems? Too much games? Too little interaction with living things?

Many a times, I find myself communicating more using musical means. I sang in ktv, using all my effort and feelings. I felt so relieved during the ktv session on last sat. My friends then continued the outing to a place (in JB) for a seafood meal while I went back Singapore for band prac... I actually felt that I did the right thing of leaving the group.... I reviewed that situation and considered the following points:

1) I wouldn't have spoken much during the meal, so it doesn't make a diff if i stay or not

2) My friend's car doesn't have enough space for me, so I better leave

3) I saved money!!

4) I'm back in singapore and safe from getting robbed

But..... I lost the chance to interact with friends... which I am still unsure if I lack it.

Do I need interaction? Can I live totally with inanimated objects? Can I (or even any human) truly live in solitude forever? Am I training myself for the future?

Why am I running away from all gatherings? Is money a consideration? Is my weird behaviors a consideration? Is my presence that important in big groups at all?

当一个人渐渐远离人群，慢慢被遗忘的时候，离开就变成没有那么痛。

I kept thinking of those words..... The meaning of leaving.... where am I going? Where? A total disappearance? Or just a partial departure?

Why am I typing all these....? Worst of all, in office.... THat just shows... how much I have nothing to do..... Is this a way to get rid of me? Giving me nothing to do? Forcing me to be in a difficult situation in future when I have so little experience in audit?

What if I get to be a team in charge? What will happen? Will I catch up? How to survive? Or just give up? Run away? Hide. FIght ? COnfused.....

SIck, idiotic, pathetic, ....... I just need time.... to pick myself.....

How much longer?? 2 weeks already..... how much longer more? I want to smile.... where... CAn't find.... WHY??? I don't know what i'm typing now......... sTOP STOP!!

4/11/06

I'm down. I got no where to voice how i feel. I just got this place to write it out and then forget about it.

Falling sick during my leave period is really dumb. Why can't i fall sick during the normal working days so that i can take MC? sigh. That's the no. one depressing thing.

Getting bullied in maple isn't that much fun too. Here are the details. I experienced it twice. Both happened in this map where I am training to level. The first time, I was partying a group of ppl and was occupying this map. In a party, there are 6 members, including myself. During that time, alot of people went afk and left only me (level 91) and another warrior (level 60+). Then came this idiot, wanting to party us, asking us to invite him into the pt. I told him we are full. Then he just come and ks us (ks = kill steal. Killing mobs so that we don't have things to kill). Then nvm, he still ask all his friends to come, and that warrior and me was left with no choice but to leave the place. So sad... I lost the map and I was the party leader....

The second time, I invited this person into the party. Then in a short while, one group of ppl just came into the map and started ksing us tooo. The group of ppl increased and we were damn fedup also. Then we realised that the person offended them. And the bad ppl say that since I'm the party leader, I will also suffer with that person. WHat logic is that? In the end, I asked them to settle their dispute outside and everything got resolved. I managed to keep ownership of that map. My party can train in peace.

All those happened when I was damn sick lah, nose kept running. I can't believe that you CAN get bullied in maple. Its like gang fight. DAmn. idiot loh.

Then now i'm so sick and I realised that westwinds have a performance tomorrow!! How to play. Now i go see doctor liao. Stupid me, trying to endure and see doc on monday.

Then also, this person.... msged me. I'll rather that this person don't sms me actually. The coldness is just too strong. Why msg me when that person is so cold in the msg? My collegues have chalet today. I can't go.... band prac.

I'm just so sian. Everytime that person msg, I'll just feel so cold. cooooooold.

Although I've so many negative emotions inside, I'm grateful that one person actually msned me and ask me how I was. I know you might just be the only one reading this. I thank you. Truly.