25/9/06

When was the last time i come in to type my thoughts? I can't remember. I suddenly realise that I only post on my blog when i feel uncomfortable about things that go around me. But this time, I'm not uncomfortable. I just think that I have already let go most of the things and live life just like that. No demands, no expectations, just enjoy.

I didn't feel sad anymore when I know that i'm still alone now. It doesn't matter. My mind now is that, life is short, try more new things while you can. "What have I not tried" is always in my mind. Forcing myself to eat super spicy noodles, join the inter-department dance competition, boxing in gym (and get my hand strained). Somehow, if I weren't alone, I won't have the chance to do alot of other things. So, this is the bright side I know I'm in.

Oh yes, maple story as well. I had all the time in the world to play games. I had all the time to play in a band. The best thing of all, no one nags at me.

I tell myself, "I will not be hindered by anyone" "No one can stop my progress", No one hee.

Suddenly feel that I'm not ready and I won't be ready haaa. Yuppie. I will show everyone, I will still be happy, being myself.

9/9/06

It has been a long time, since i last step onto the sandy beach of East Coast Park. I suddenly realise that the lesser the time we have to get close to nature, the more we would appreciate the time we use to get close to it. Everything in life seems to be the same. As you consume/experience/watch/see/talk/look (any action you can think of) more and more of something, you will get more and more sick of it. The opposite is true.

There is still a little pinch inside when i looked at the blue blue water. As the sound of waves starts to orchestrate in a rhythmic pattern, it just brings me to a state of blocking other things from all my senses. The sun grew gradually in strength. I didn't hide from it. I let it warm me up, hoping it will warm my heart as well.

I rented a bike, and embarked on a journey of senseless travelling. I didn't know what was going on around me. I just pedal and pedal, as hard and as fast as possible, wanting to release all the energy inside me. What went through my ear was only the sound of wind. Thats all i need. Peace and quiet plus the sound of nature.

I travelled a distance that no one can imagined. Although it might seem to have a destination, I felt that there wasn't any end to the journey. It was long, tough, and scorching. I placed a test on myself initially, to travel with little water. But I couldn't help it but to stop at a shop to buy a bottle of 1L mineral water. It cost 2.50 bucks. I was chopped. Whatever.

I managed to reach both ends of the coast. I was proud. I was tired. I was delighted. In the end, I turned red. Red on both of my arms, and face. Chao ta would describe it well.

There isn't much communication with my collegues during the cycling time. I was alone, which was what i wanted. They were all having fun rollar blading.

After all those exercising, we went to Macdonalds for some unhealthy food. But was very filling. I was contented with the unhealthy food. I give myself a break from the all healthy vege rice haa.

There were also gay pictures taken. Again, I was one of the cast. Argh, am i really so gay? Maybe i should just turn myself into a permanent gay. I'm so affected when it comes to girls thing. I'm tired about girls stuff liao. Oh ya, I behave much much like a girl now, cuz i talk as much as them liao.

Sometimes, i really wish that those girls who i am sort of interested in, would be cruel to me and ignore me if they doesn't like me. Talking to me once in a while might give me an idea that I could have a chance. But i rationalise that idea quite fast too, together with some form of disappointment. I hate the disappointment feeling.

I just wan to have no expectation, then i won't have disappointment. But to have no expectation, I need the other party to help me. Be cruel, and leave me alone. Thats easy right? DOn't tell me its difficult cuz ignoring ppl is easy. Just do it, Nike!!

Thats all for today.

8/9/06

STORIES - The Cracked Pot

A water bearer had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot always arrived only half full. The other pot however, was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

For two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, but the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection; it was miserable that it was unable to do what it had been made to do.

After two years of enduring this bitter shame, the cracked pot spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself and I apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

The cracked pot was puzzled by this response but heeded the instructions. As they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, and not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we've walked back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Self-Confidence

You probably wouldn't be counting, but it's been estimated that on average we make between 300 and 400 self-evaluations per day. Now if that's a surprising statistic to you, what do you think of this one? Out of those 300 to 400 self-assessments, about 80% are negative.

The numbers might seem incredulous but if we take into account all the sub-conscious and non-verbal messages we send ourselves, we begin to have a good idea of the amount of negative self-talk we engage in. A good mistake can often send us into prolonged and repeated sessions of self-flagellation.

"That was stupid. I can't believe you said that! Remember the last time you messed things up? Why do you always do that?"

Now, you wouldn't say that to a friend or co-worker, would you? So why would you say such things to yourself?

Self-confidence is an invaluable asset we all need in a competitive, fast-changing world. We need to be able to bounce back from mistakes. It's the only way to learn, the only route to success. Unfortunately, most of us are best at making ourselves feel worse. Even during those rare moments when we do take credit for good work done, the self-praise doesn't last long. Often, we give away our credit, saying things like "Oh I was just lucky!" or "It wasn't just me, I had lots of help!". It may be a cultural thing, but most of us tend to discount our successes and play up our incompetence. It almost seems like the polite thing to do.

Well, polite or not, it's not doing any good for you. If you're always selling yourself short, you're also always looking for friends, colleagues, bosses, and partners who will make up for or affirm your lack of self-esteem. It's almost like you're setting yourself up for failure. Not to mention leaving control over your emotions and self-image in the hands of others.

Scott Adams, the Dilbert Cartoonist, once put into practice the power of moving on from mistakes and not dwelling on them. He says: "Once at a tennis tournament, I was paired with a woman who had just learned how to play. Every time she missed a shot, she immediately turned to me, expecting that I would be disappointed or frustrated. Instead, I talked to her about our strategy for the next point. By doing so, I sent a very important message: The past doesn't matter. I didn't encourage her with empty praise-that rarely works. But I know that if she dwelled on a mistake, she was more likely to repeat it, and that if she focused on how we were going to win the next point, she was more likely to help us do just that. Over several days, her abilities improved dramatically and we ended up winning the tournament."

Treat yourself the same way.


Promoting Yourself

Many of us are uncomfortable with the idea of promoting ourselves. Ask anyone about doing more to get themselves out there and more often than not, you'll get a shrug, a groan and something like "Oh I don't know?", "I just don't have the time", or "I don't have anything valuable to sell".

This could be because society is abound with connotations of arrogance or vanity associated with promoting oneself; things like "tooting your own horn", "blowing your own trumpet", or "you're so full of yourself".

But if you're not going to promote yourself, who will? We can say all we like about contestants in Singapore Idol, Miss Universe, etc. but the truth is, they had the guts to put themselves out there. They weren't waiting for some head-hunter to knock on their doors (which rarely happens); they ran towards their dreams with everything they had. In the process, they were judged, sometimes ridiculed, but at least they were doing it for themselves. And you know what? Many of them got the notice or attention that they needed to further their careers or bring them closer to their goals.

The truth is, getting known by the public scares a lot of people; I myself used to vehemently shun any publicity outside of my role as a radio presenter. Many of us have the fear of being judged negatively, so we fight to remain as "low-profile" as we can. Yet, as we progress in our work, we realize that in order to become better at what we do, we have to meet more people, talk to more people, get more people to know us and work with us. This is the conundrum.

In my experience, you don't lose anything by promoting yourself. Each of us has value, a skill that is useful to others. No one's going to benefit from you keeping that all to yourself. You might be great at hosting events, maybe you have a flair for writing, maybe you whip up a killer curry pasta; let people know!

I can understand why you might be holding back - when you put yourself out there, people may love you, but they may also hate you. Well, you know, whether you promote yourself or not, there are always going to be people, who for some reason, will not like you or the things you do. But if even you yourself do not like yourself enough to promote yourself, then you're wasting opportunities on a daily basis. Wherever you are right now, you have all you need to find more fulfillment, make more friends, make more money, help more people.

Only you can give yourself the permission to get your name out there; be as big a person as you think you can be.

STORIES - The Window

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."


Focus On Creation, Not Competition

As you probably know by now, Singapore was ranked poorly in the recent Happiness Index. One often-mentioned reason was our highly-competitive society. Here, we're taught (sometimes implicitly) to be the best, to make our parents proud, to get the best grades, to make more money, to be among the first in the queue, to jostle for seats on the MRT, to get maximum value at the buffet table. It's no coincidence that the Hokkien term for the fear of losing has become a love-hate _expression to describe Singaporeans.

Competition is so pervasive here that it's become as natural as the air we breathe. We don't even think about why we do it, we just do. Certainly it has its roots in the early survival of the human species - this "need to win" ensured we got the food, secured the best territory, produced offspring with the most able-bodied mates, and so on, but in the modern context, could excessive competition be snuffing out our joy?

I'm not saying that competition is bad - it certainly spurs us on to do better for ourselves - but this "need to win" to feel better about ourselves can backfire for some of us. I mean, it's all rosy when we do win, but what happens when we don't? Being transfixed on victory can turn us into very sore losers.

Many of us have allowed this "need to win" to be the determinant of our happiness. So it's not surprising why so many of us are unhappy; we can't win all the time, and when we don't get the best or the most, we become discontented.

The key to regaining control of your happiness is to change your focus - from competition to creation. Competition is centred on other people - other people's possessions, other people's achievements, other people's happiness or good fortune. This causes envy and the desire to obtain the same or better, if only for the reason that "they have it".

This kind of thinking ignores what we truly want for ourselves, for our lives, for our loved ones. We're buying into the collective belief that just because it's desired by most people that it must be good for us.

Creation, on the other hand, is about using your talents to produce things of value to society. Creation does not look at other members of society as benchmarks; it focuses on what we personally can achieve with what we have. Creation is about reaching inside to create abundance. This kind of spiritual abundance, not material abundance, is what brings about lasting joy.

Honouring Each Day

Just how precious are your days?

Well, to answer that question, just look at how you're spending them.

Going by the way some of us live our lives, we don't really think our days are all that important. We rush blindly through them, not truly savouring the experience, fall into bed exhausted, then wake up the following morning only to do it all over again. We make mechanical and dutiful contact with our loved ones, saturate our bodies with caffeine, junk food and alcohol, and generally make chains of meaningless moments.

Meaningful moments, when we do try, are few and far between. We blame it on our hectic work schedules of course, or tenaciously hold on to the notion that there'll always be time for our loved ones. Too many people are caught in the trap of "busyness" - that never-ending need to work, to play, to do everything else except the things that truly make life wonderful and meaningful.

When was the last time you truly honoured the day? I mean really accorded it the respect and significance it deserves? Because the future is an illusion - we all think we have more time, but that simply isn't true at all. Our lives could end at any time. The only time we really have is the present - it's where we are now. If we can't be happy with who we are, what we have and where we are now, then we're just wasting our time. We might as well be sleepwalking through our days.

Too many of us are waking up in cold sweat thinking "Where has all the time gone? What have I been doing with my life? Why am I not spending more time showing my wife how much I care about her? Why am I not showing my loved ones more love? How much time do I really have left?"

We're not waking up thinking about our jobs, our bosses, getting a fancy haircut, buying a new car, a new bag, a new anything; these things just don't fulfill us, really!

What we really need is connection. We need to connect more with other human beings. We need to connect more with nature. We need to connect more with who we are inside and make that who we are outside as well. We need to honour all that the day gives us - the sun, the wind, the hot breakfast, the taxi ride, the smiles, the friendly invitations, our partner's touch, a joke, a laugh, a kiss.

Honouring the day means choosing to make each moment count.

Staying True to Yourself

For some of us, being true and staying true to oneself can be a struggle. Maybe we were brought up to deny our authentic selves in favour of some popular ideal. Perhaps we were taught to respect other people's wishes more than our own. Maybe we're surrounded by friends and family who seem to have an opinion on everything we do, and it's driving us crazy.

Growing into our true selves can take a lot of time and practice, especially if we've been suppressing it for most of our youth. Not to mention courage, since for some of us, our authentic selves may not be the accepted norm in our society. So how can you honour your own voice amidst the din of bigots and naysayers?

Well, first and most critically, value your self and your choices. This mind and body is yours and yours only. People may say or do things "for your own good", but ultimately, you're the one who's going to suffer the consequences or enjoy the happiness. Not them. So respect your own wishes. Don't waste time pondering right or wrong. There's only what feels right to you "at the time". When you honour your own choices, others will too.

Next, understand that opinions are more about the person giving them than they are about you. The remarks are being filtered through that particular individual's history, experience, conditioning, childhood, education, whatever. It's definitely biased, no matter how they try to appear impartial. Also, when people discourage or disapprove, they're probably coming from a place of insecurity, fear, doubt or envy. Something about you scares them, so they feel a need to strike it down. So remember, when someone gives you destructive criticism, ignore them. It's about them, not you.

People can also go too far sometimes, so remember to set boundaries for the particularly obnoxious ones. Decide which aspects of your life are off-limits and get them to respect those boundaries.

Remember, no one can stand up for yourself except yourself. Loved ones can defend you occasionally but they can't be around all the time. Be sure that when you need help the most, you are there for yourself. Trust yourself and stand up for what you believe in.

Other people can teach you many life lessons, and certainly you should listen if they have something valuable to say, but learn to tune out the naysayers who themselves are fearful for their own selfish reasons.

Who's To Blame for Our Unhappiness?

Most people look outside of themselves for the source of their unhappiness. When something goes wrong, they always look for someone or something to blame - "it's my hectic work schedule, it's my boss, it's the government, it's my parents, it's the kids, it's my spouse. If only she'd do things my way! I know this is best for her? why won't she just change?

We'd be so much happier if she'd just change!" It's precisely this kind of thinking that is making us unhappy. We are, in effect, the cause of own misery!

Now it's very easy to trace our unhappiness to important people in our lives not cooperating with us. I mean, if your son insists on doing something you feel is foolhardy or dangerous, it certainly seems that he's to blame for your sleepless nights. Or if your husband never seems to want to spend romantic times with you anymore. Can he really blame you then for being cold and surly? What if your co-worker is fond of disparaging your work? Surely he's the one to blame for your frustration at the office! Or that Pyongyang refuses to dismantle its nuclear arms programme. Oh, the woe of America and indeed the world!

Yes it seems perfectly logical that we're unhappy because of all these wilful people. But we have a much bigger part to play in our frustrations than we'd care to believe. Nobody likes to be told what to do. When you're trying to get others to do or see things your way, the behaviours you display are probably not very good-natured. You could be using any of these methods - punishing, guilting, nagging, threatening, bribing, criticizing, "the silent treatment" or "cold war", etc. You probably come off as a bigot, always thinking that your way is the right way or best way. Your intentions may be perfectly good of course (don't we all think that?), but your methods may be turning people off. This in turn could be encouraging them to be even more obstinate. That's also how, ironically, you may be causing your own unhappiness.

Too many political stalemates are the result of refusal to understand and accept the other party's situation or differences. What about threats, sabre-rattling or reprisal attacks? Don't they always make matters worse?

Realistically, the only person you can change is yourself. Look within yourself for your shortcomings and work to fix them. If you're hoping that others might also change for the better, you can only lead by example or open the channels of communication and genuinely seek to understand. reasons.

Healing Through Acceptance

When misfortune occurs, many people try to deny or resist it. They go through the exhausting and pointless cycle of thoughts that goes something like "No, no, this can't be happening!" or "Why is this happening to me?", usually meaning "Why is this happening to poor ol' harmless me?".

As a result, they go through long periods of emotional suffering that can be damaging to their psychological or physical health. They waste a lot of energy and time rejecting what's happening to them instead of healing themselves by accepting their situation.

Now by accepting the situation, I don't mean going through life thinking everything that happens to you is ok. What I mean is, although it's completely natural to react with disbelief and resistance when something seemingly bad happens, you can only being to mend when you accept your plight and move on.

Some things happen to us that are completely out of our hands. You might call these "acts of God" if you're the religious type, or genuine accidents that you have no control over, like natural disasters or a reckless driver in your lane.

But we have to accept responsibility for most of the things that happen to us in life. Being in a developed country in the 21st century means that most of us have all our basic needs covered - food, shelter, education, healthcare, sanitation, and so on. Which leaves us with things like our emotional needs, our value systems, our desires and ambitions, and our behaviour.

These stem from our attitudes towards and perceptions of ourselves, others, our surroundings, and the wider world. And we have the power to tweak these attitudes and perceptions to influence our mental well-being and potential for love, joy and success.

So when something seemingly "bad" happens to us, the fastest and most direct route to recovery is acknowledging and accepting it - "Yes, it happened. And yes, I may have had a role to play in creating it. What can I learn from this? How can I improve things? How can I improve myself? How can I move on?"

WRITTEN BY EUGENE LOH

Traps (Part 1)

Life is full of traps. These are the beliefs, behaviours, habits and emotions that prevent us from becoming as happy, successful, and as loving as we can be. Some of them befriended us in childhood, then slowly poisoned our impressionable minds. Some of them we learnt from people we looked up to or kept company with. Some of them we gleaned from convention and alignment with the so-called norms of our society. And some of them we learnt from films, magazines, books and other media.

But all of them share one common property - they all work their way into our hearts and minds surreptitiously but steadily, gaining such a grip over time that they can become inextricable.

In the next few programmes, we'll look at 20 of these life traps and how they can steal your serenity and joy. Chances are you'll recognize many of them in your life. Therein lies your first victory against these foes - identifying them for what they are. From there, you can take steps to remove them from your life.

Trap No. 1 is Tomorrow.

Many of us either live in anticipation of it, or live in dread of it. But what is tomorrow, really? Tomorrow is an illusion. From where we are right now, we cannot touch it, feel it, see it or taste it. It may never come. Yet many of us are so blinded by it that we fail to appreciate what we have right now, in the present. Leave tomorrow where it's supposed to be. It'll happen when it happens. Live for today.

Trap No. 2 is Yesterday.

Ensnared people feel guilty, shameful, sad or upset about something that has already gone. Yesterday is past. It will never come back. Whatever you did or said, whoever you loved or loathed, what pleasure or pain you experienced doesn't matter anymore. You cannot go back and fix or repeat anything. You don't have to forget those great memories, but don't dwell on them. Don't live for them. They're not an accurate guide for what's going to happen in the future. Learn to let Yesterday go. You can only make your present moment wonderful.

Join me in the next programme as we continue to seek out those traps in your life that are holding you back from greater joy and serenity.