26/7/06

How Being Good Can Be Bad for You

If you're like most people, your parents brought you up to be a "good" person - "be polite", "don't talk back", "stop pouting", "always share", "tell the truth", "stop complaining", "smile", "don't cry", "stop asking questions", "don't be selfish", and so on. This so-called "good" child is the pride of Mommy and Daddy and grows up, in the early years, to be everyone's darling.

But when this "good" child grows into an adult, these are the kinds of behaviour they display - they force themselves to smile even when they're upset, they accept tasks and situations they don't like just to accommodate others, they hardly ever assert their own needs, pepper their words with "should" and "ought to", cannot accept compliments and never believe that they're really good at something, and occasionally become perplexingly upset then try to put you on guilt trips or punish you in some way.

I could go on, but you get the idea. You see how these "good" boys and girls can be frustrating as men and women? Their parents meant well, as most parents do, but these parents have taught their children to suppress their real emotions and needs in order to fit in with the world. These people are often emotionally-draining because they come across as two-faced, and they rarely give useful feedback. As a result, they're often not successful in their relationships with others.

Adults who were raised as "good" children are also less able to cope with change and the unpredictable turns in life. They are most comfortable within rigid structures and routines and are terrified of any deviance from the path. They cannot distinguish between destructive and constructive criticism. Any negative comment made about them is seen as harsh. They love playing the victim because doing so gives them an excuse for continuing their behaviour. They require a lot of attention and love but cannot truly accept them. They pride themselves on their steadfast adherence to rules and establishment. "Good" people are made to become cogs in the wheels of industry. They make great workers but hardly succeed at being a leader, friend, or partner. They smile and agree with the people they actually oppose and regard them with suspicion and envy. They criticize these so-called "deviants" but secretly wish they could be like them, to have their freedom. But the iron cages of childhood conditioning are often too strong.

I'm not saying that you raise brats, but examine more closely how you're bringing up your child. Are you raising him to be a successful and happy adult? Or an eternal child trapped in a grown-up's body?

Marriage-Killing Myths

Many couples enter a marriage with critical misconceptions of what it takes to make it work. They go in thinking that love will take care of everything, that just because they're now legally united that both parties are automatically obligated to meet each others' whims and expectations. That your partner will gradually change to suit your ideals, that time and familiarity will smooth over the rough edges and magically transform him or her into the giving, loving, reliable, mature spouse and parent.

These misconceptions are not only inaccurate, they're the main reasons why marriages fail. Today, let's talk about these false beliefs and how they can destroy your marriage.

Many married couples take it for granted that their spouse should automatically know what they need and want. That because they "love" them, that they can somehow read their minds. They often don't express their authentic thoughts and desires, preferring instead to drop hints or pretend to be ok with the way things are. When their needs continue to be unfulfilled over time, the pent-up hurt and disappointment can result in a nasty display. The spouse meanwhile is completely baffled.

To many couples, marriage also appears to be the panacea for any defects in the relationship. Marriage is so often portrayed or spoken of as the ultimate dream, a sacrosanct union, and so on that it has taken on an almost magical sheen. People actually do believe that marriage can and will solve all problems, that once that destination has been reached, that they can heave a sigh of relief and let go. They believe that marriage will change whatever flaws they see in their partner - that she will finally begin to wash and cook and well, turn into a Stepford Wife, that he will stop going out with his beer buddies, that she will want three children, that he will become more mature, stop clowning around and make more money. Again, a complete myth. Marriage is the next step in the journey. It's not a solution, nor a dream, nor a magic spell. Don't marry your partner because you think it will turn him or her into your ideal partner.

It's also commonly believed that you should always put your spouse's needs first. Again, a dangerous conviction. Marriage is not about being an emotional slave. It's not about guilt that you feel if you fail to meet your spouse's expectations. Always putting other people's needs before your own demonstrates a lack of respect and love for yourself, and it won't be long before your own repressed needs begin to sour the relationship.

So check your reasons for marriage. How many of them are really myths?

STORIES - Fitting In

Zumbach the Tailor was renowned for his fashionable suits. A man went to him to be fitted for a new suit.

After Zumbach altered the suit, the man stood in front of the mirror to check the fit. At first glance he noticed that the suit jacket's right arm sleeve was rather short, and too much of his wrist was showing.

"Say, Zumbach," the fellow noted, "this sleeve looks a little short. Would you please lengthen it?"

"The sleeve is not too short," replied the tailor. "Your arm is too long... Just pull your arm back a few inches and you will see that the sleeve fits perfectly." The man withdrew his arm a bit, and the sleeve was matched with his wrist. But this movement rumpled the upper portion of the jacket.

"Now the nape of the collar is several inches above my neck," he protested."

"There's nothing wrong with the collar," Zumbach insisted. "Your neck is too low. Lift the back of your neck and the jacket will fit well." The customer raised his neck a few inches, and sure enough the collar rounded it where it was supposed to. But now there was another problem: the bottom of the jacket rested high above his seat.

"Now my whole rear end is sticking out!" the man complained.

"No problem," Zumbach returned. "Just lift up your rear end so it fits under the jacket." Again the customer complied, which left his body in a very contorted posture. But Zumbach had convinced him that the problem was not with the suit, but him. So he paid the tailor for the suit and walked out of the shop in a most awkward position, struggling to keep all parts of the suit in their right places.

On the street he encountered two women walking in the opposite direction. After they passed, one woman turned to the other and commented, "That poor man is really crippled!"

"He sure is," the other replied. "But that suit looks fabulous on him."

Many of us repress our authentic selves when trying to fit into society. Although we might enjoy a semblance of acceptance, ultimately, we're being untrue and disrespectful to ourselves. So is your tailor altering the suit to fit your body or are you contorting your body to fit the tailor's suit?

Letting Go of the Need to Be Right

All of us love being right. We all want to appear clever and witty. In trying to be right though, we often make the false assumption that we have to make the other person wrong. This need to be right all the time can also compel us to be bossy and unpleasant and narrow-minded.

But nobody likes a Know-It-All. Besides, this need to be right all the time can become an addiction - it can make us focus on the wrong things, fuss about the details without seeing the bigger picture. It can also be a huge strain on our ego when we feel we have lost an argument or challenge. Some people spend all their time just clamouring to win in every discussion.

This need to be right stems from insecurity, a lack of self-esteem and empowerment. After all, isn't the need to be right simply the fear of being wrong? And with this fear running your life, how can you be comfortable with yourself? Or be at ease with other people? Fear almost always causes us to be suspicious and bigoted. And of course, if you're always trying to be right, you're not learning from others, and are consistently repeating your mistakes.

Life is about being yourself, accepting your flaws, learning from your mistakes, and improving on your strengths. Give yourself the freedom to be wrong! In fact, it's good to be wrong sometimes because that means you've learnt something new. You're always becoming a better person. Of course, I'm using the term "wrong" loosely here; after all, it's always just a point of view.

So if you always feel that nagging voice in your head going "Go on! Assert your authority! You have to be right! Otherwise you'll lose face!", try letting go. Give yourself permission to be wrong sometimes; express yourself more honestly and openly. You'll find that very often, people do want compromise, and there is a way to contribute to the discussion without having all your opinions validated.

Let go of the need to be right, and just listen. Really open up and analyse what's being said or unsaid. People can teach you a lot and tell you about themselves and life if you only allow them to. We're all looking for happiness and knowledge; allow yourself to learn. Ask more questions. Allow people to share their wisdom and know-how.

You'll heave a big sigh of relief that you can finally loosen that noose, I mean, tie, and allow yourself to be just human.


Love in a Time of Dual Career Families

We live in an age of dual career families - as living standards rise, it's inevitable that more and more couples find it necessary for both parties to bring in the bacon. And as women become more empowered, it's natural that they too would want to earn their keep and develop satisfying careers.

But because each person has to dedicate a huge chunk of their lives to their careers, the risk of endangering the relationship is quite high. Failure to properly manage your professional and romantic roles can send cracks through the foundation of your relationship. Many couples call it a day because at the end of the very long and onerous day, they find love just a tad too exhausting to keep alive.

So if you're both career-oriented people, how can you continue to make the relationship fulfilling?

Too often, working couples boil it down to mere lack of time - "I've no time to be romantic", "I've no time to indulge her", "I've no time to take a vacation". Though poor time management is one of the culprits, there are several other factors at play when a relationship begins to fray.

Many professionals are so involved with their work that it consumes their thoughts and actions. They're usually very passionate about their work and are very successful in their field. They feel respected and empowered at work and when they come home, they expect the relationship to do the same for them. Unfortunately, a happy marriage doesn't happen by default.

You may be the boss at the office and might not have to compromise much in your professional capacity, but the dynamics are radically different when you switch back to being a spouse and a lover. If you're used to getting your way at work, you may find it difficult to negotiate at home.

The key to making a dual career relationship work is mutual respect. Honour the work that your spouse does. He or she probably experiences a lot of stress at the office and the home should be a sanctuary. Respect your partner's professional aspirations and don't always expect you to come first in every situation.

In the next programme, we'll talk about some practical ways to balance your work and family lives.


Love in a Time of Dual Career Families (2)

In the last programme, we talked about the reality of dual career families in developed countries like Singapore. Because of rising living standards, education and self-empowerment, both parties in many marriages are career-oriented - they love their jobs, they thrive on the challenges, authority, respect and sense of achievement they get from their work. But when they come home and realize the complexities of maintaining a healthy marriage, they can often become disillusioned with their spouses and devote more and more of their time and energy to their careers. Needless to say, the relationship becomes diluted and unrewarding over time.

One of the biggest problems dual career relationships face is lack of time. You hear statements like this all the time - "But I just can't afford the time to say little-sweet-nothings!", or "I work 12 hours a day! I'm too tired for anything else when I get home!". Many couples do realize that their relationship is suffering from a lack of quality time, but they often do nothing about it. They behave almost as if their hands are tied and they're simply doomed. If you know you're not investing enough time in your spouse, do something about it! A happy lovelife will also give your career a boost!

Coordinate your schedule with your spouse's timetable. At least once a week, plan an activity you can both enjoy - it could be a night out, an afternoon by the beach or even a game of Scrabble. Interaction within a fun and relaxed space is crucial to keeping your relationship loving and rewarding - it reminds both of you that your marriage is more than just household or parental responsibilities.

Just as important is allocating some timeout for yourself by yourself. Don't cram out your inner soul with work and duties and other people. Find some time every week or every day if possible to just let your spirit settle. Your pool reflects much more clearly when it's calm. This is when you will organize your thoughts and tasks and receive answers to the problems you might be facing.

And never stop communicating with your spouse - and I don't mean yet another reminder about fixing the car or applying for that loan - I mean a sharing of real emotions, dreams and hopes, even something as simple as a compliment.

And remember, your spouse's career is an important part of him or her. So if it makes him or her happy, give your support. Your spouse will appreciate you for respecting his or her professional role.

Curing the Fear of Change

A major block to lasting happiness and success in life is the fear of change. This fear keeps us within the confines of our safety nets, and turns us into jittery, miserable wrecks whenever we are faced with the possibility of change.

But change is unavoidable. By sticking to our routines and comfort zones, we may be able to resist it for a time, but how tightly can we seal our personal spaces? We may think that we're at peace in our safe havens but our days are really clouded by doubt and worry; we're eternally anxious that change will eventually come.

No, this "peace" that we enjoy in our comfort zones is an illusion. To attain true peace and happiness, we must reduce or even eliminate our fear of change. The crucial thing to understand here is that life is a series of events, some pleasurable, some painful. No one is constantly on an ascending trend. Living life is like riding the waves - we need to ride the crests with optimism and purpose and face the crashes with the will to let them make us better persons.

Most people are afraid of change because they think that it's going to affect them negatively. But change is not always for the worse; change can occur to improve things. Besides, you know what happens when things remain still for too long - monotony sets in, the machinery gathers dust and damp and eventually stops, the muscles become weak, the fish die, and everything eventually becomes a wasteland. This can happen too with your mind and body. Happiness is not static; it has to move around. When you try to trap it in a jar, it loses its breath and life.

Happy people know this truth. They don't attempt to preserve or keep their joys. Their joys are like ever-changing, ever vivacious guests, constantly passing through the halls of their homes. This is how happiness renews itself - it seeks new experiences, new people; painful experiences only serve to sharpen its senses for the next joyful experience.

If you tend to worry about change, ask yourself these questions - what are the positive impacts that can result from the change? How would someone else handle it? And what's the worst case scenario? Is it really that bad? We tend to be overly-dramatic when it comes to change affecting us, but when it happens to others, it's usually more reasonable. More often than not, we're terrorized by the fear itself, not the change per se. Ask yourself these questions, and you'll feel your anxiety fade away.

17/7/06

Building Self-Esteem (Jul 2006)
Psychologist Nathaniel Brandon once remarked that "there is no value-judgment more important to man, no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation than the estimate he passes on himself."

How true! Self-sabotage is probably the number one barrier to greater success and joy. Many people grow up with a less-than-ideal sense of self-worth, due mainly to the feedback they received as children. As a result, they're often their own worst enemies, mentally limiting their opportunities to attract more happiness, success and love.

Self-esteem goes beyond simply just feeling good about the way you look or the talents you possess. This kind of self-esteem is temporary and may change from day to day depending on which way the wind is blowing your sails. There is a deeper self-esteem which is the most accurate description of how you feel, regardless of what obstacles are thrown in your path.

Here are some ways to develop this deeper self-esteem:

First of all, clear out all the rubbish from your mind - this is anything hurtful and unconstructive that you've been told, either just a few moments ago or even when you were in primary school. Useful advice should be heeded but don't waste your time being upset with people who are just mean. When you were a kid, the hurt might've had you struggling haplessly in its talons but now that you're an adult, assert your right to pay no attention to unreasonable, nasty, toxic people.

People say "don't count your chickens before they're hatched". I say, why not? Doing this can mean that you're optimistic and looking forward to a bright future. It can also mean that you're grateful for what you have now, for without the eggs, there would be no hope for chickens! So by all means, count your blessings! The people you have in your life, the good fortune and health that you enjoy, the good things that are in the pipeline.

Identify your strengths and keep reminding yourself how they are truly a gift to you and the people around you. And surround yourself with positive people, for example, professional organizations that have something in common with your interests.

Remember, your opinion of yourself is the chief factor for success and joy in most aspects of life including your relationships. Don't sell yourself short!

Love and Personal Power

When you're in a romantic relationship, do you give away too much of yourself?

This may seem like a strange question; after all, isn't love supposed to be that way? The giving of oneself to one's partner?

Well, the problem with always placing someone else's needs and ideas above your own is that it's not sustainable.

When you fell in love with your partner, you did so because you found some aspects of him or her attractive. This attractiveness forms the core of your partner's personal power. It is what makes them likeable to others as well. You too have your own personal power. But when we love someone, it's natural for us to want to give him or her some of this power. We might consistently give in, for example, always admit fault in arguments, constantly accommodate their wishes, in turn curtailing our own needs and feelings. The problem begins when you suppress yourself too much and too often in order to inflate your partner. The relationship then becomes lop-sided - your partner begins to rely on your submission, praises and assistance, and you start to think that this is what makes you valuable, what makes you loveable.

But do you notice that the more you give in to someone, the more they tend to take advantage of you? Yes your partner may love you but they're human too and can be "taught" over time to perceive your love as this consistent yielding to their desires. Your partner can begin to believe that he or she is really more important than you - more attractive, more powerful, more well-liked; while you're turning weak, timid, disrespectful of yourself and basking in the rays of their light.

The thing is, your partner is looking for an equal, someone who can play off them, challenge them, learn with them, grow with them; not more admirers for their "fanclub". To build a meaningful relationship, you must have a healthy self-image. If you have a low assessment of yourself, over time your partner can come to have a low opinion of you too.

So remember, a healthy sustainable relationship can only be developed if both parties have a high sense of self-worth and personal powers are maintained at equitable levels. You're partners, and you're not an unworthy creature admiring someone far better than you.

The Needle

You know the feeling - you've achieved something great after a period of hard work - you've made a great speech, you've wrapped up a big meeting, you've finished writing a book, you've completed an exhilarating game, you've put together a wonderful event, the final notes of your piano recital have met rapturous applause. You're on cloud nine and it seems that at this beautiful moment, nothing can touch you.

Then, someone says, "You're so full of yourself. That was nothing special. I've seen better. You were terrible! You sucked." It seems as if a needle has punctured your rubber soul. There is an earth-shattering pop and the once proud balloon of your ego is now a wrinkled, sniveling wreck.

What happened? It was going so well for you! You were having a great time! And now you're in a daze, wondering what hit you. The words dig into you and you start asking yourself "What did I do wrong? Was I really that bad? That mistake marred my whole performance! I just wasn't good enough!"

The hours and days pass and the feeling of disappointment hasn't abated. You start reviewing your past failures and wrong turns. You wonder if you should continue doing this at all. Maybe you should quit.

Many people actually do. They get so unnerved by the negative feedback that they're thrown off-track. They make even more mistakes because they're so hung up about being perfect.

Now there will always be people who will not like you or find your work helpful or like the pattern of your tie. For whatever reason. These people may not even be making a genuine assessment. It's more likely that they're simply making reckless comments. Otherwise you'd get more analysis than just "you were terrible" ("you sucked")!

It's important not to dwell on this minority of people. If you let them get to you, you'll constantly be distracted. And just think how ridiculous it is for you to be held back by a few careless words. It's just a needle. You don't have to be a balloon that's easily punctured by a prick.

What others think or say about you is their reality. What you think of yourself is your reality. Don't let anyone make you lose direction or abandon your dream. Most of the time, people just want to provoke a reaction. Don't believe a word.


Managing Your States

I'd like you to take a moment and consider the state you're in right now.

A state is a condition of being, a combination of the most dominant emotions and physical circumstances. For example, does your body feel calm, tired, tense, energetic? What are you thinking about? Your job, family, money, the past, or the future? What about your emotions? Are you anxious, happy, guilty, moody, loving or angry?

We are constantly in a flux among various states. Most of us are not self-aware enough yet to notice these states and what they're doing to us, but if you want to increase your efficiency and happiness, you need to identify which states spur you on and which ones hold you back.

You could call these states either resourceful or obstructive. Resourceful states like feeling happy, driven, loving or creative push you to seize opportunities for greater joy and success. Obstructive states like fear, anger, resentment, worry or guilt discourage us from improving our lives and fuel distress.

Needless to say, if we all truly noticed the states we go through, none of us would want to be in obstructive states. But most people do not take stock of the states they go through. They've been numbed by the routine of life.

So what you need to do first is to identify the different states you experience and what triggers each of them. Which states motivate and empower you? Which ones wear you out? Learn to avoid or neutralize the triggers that actuate the undesirable states. Let's try a simple example - if you find that coffee helps you stay alert during the day but keeps you awake at night, try replacing it with something that doesn't disrupt your sleep. That "pick-me-up" during the day is not good enough a reason to be sacrificing sleep. It's an artificial fix anyway; with proper sleep, there's no reason why you should not be alert during the day.

Other examples could be that you feel most energetic and creative after a run. Or perhaps you feel guilty when you're reminded of certain unresolved issues with someone in your past. Maybe you feel tired when you get home because your room looks dreary and needs a fresh coat of paint and more uplifting d?r.

You'll find that many of these little irritants and triggers of bad moods can be easily removed or neutralized, and in their place, resourceful states can be induced.

Loving What We Have

We live in an age of excess and access - excess because we have so much to choose from and access because we have so much freedom to choose. From hi-tech toys to multi-media, high fashion to waterfront homes, chemical distractions to fast lovers, this world offers us an endless array of possibilities. It's all about momentary pleasures, staying in the fast lane, retaining membership in the club of looks and possessions.

The confines of tradition, the prejudice of gender and race, the oppression of politics, the dividing power of distance - all these, though not completely removed, do not bind our feet like they did our forefathers. Today, no one has to feel embarrassed about wanting more, making more money, deserving better, buying more things, having more lovers. Ambition is used as a euphemism for greed. But are we happier than before?

So much of our society is disposable - we see, we want, we use, we throw. More than ever, human beings are buying and using things they don't really need. Our landfills are choking with rubbish, and our debts are ballooning. Yet the buying frenzy doesn't seem to be losing any steam.

Are we getting caught up in the wrong things? Is our focus causing us to ultimately lead empty, meaningless lives? How can we stop the seething, rumbling, fast-exploding machine of industry and greed?

The answer is love - learning to love the things and people we already have. Truly understanding them and appreciating them, discovering aspects of them that eluded us before.

If you love what you have, you don't feel the need for more. If you love what you have, you're not going to throw something out once it gets a little worn. You'll see the deeper beauty that lasts infinitely longer. If you love what you have, you'll be very careful what you buy or who you choose to be with, because it has to be something you can love, not simply a trial or plaything.

Take a closer look at your possessions and relationships - your clothes, your car, your furniture, your gadgets, your partner. What can you learn to love and appreciate more? What can you recycle or maintain? Instead of dreaming about buying something new, think about how you can make the most out of what you already have. Wanting more can never make you happy. The key is loving what you have.

Big Rocks

One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students. He pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one by one, into the jar.

When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"

Everyone in the class said "yes".

Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar, causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks.

Then he asked the group once more. "Is this jar full?" By this time the class was on to him.

"Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel.

Once more he asked the question. "Is this jar full?"

"No!" the class shouted. Once again, he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim.

Then the speaker looked at the class and said, "The rocks represent the most important things in your life - your children, your spouse, your loved ones, your friends, your education, your dreams, a worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others, doing the things you love, having time for yourself, your health. If you don't get these big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all. If you're always distracted by the trivial issues (i.e. gravel, the sand), then you'll never have the quality time you need to spend on the bigger, more important stuff (i.e. the big rocks).

So what are the big rocks in your life? Put those in your jar first.

Getting Out of Our Comfort Zones

Most of us love being in our comfort zones. It is so called precisely because within it, there is little or no pressure and we need only expend minimum effort in order to get by in life. But our comfort zones should only be spaces for temporary rest, because as long as we remain within them, we cannot grow.

You need only look around you to see what happens when people try to get through life by doing the least amount of work - they become complacent and lazy, their minds begin to dull, and every minor setback is like a catastrophe in their eyes.

Nature also presents abundant evidence why how getting out of our comfort zones helps us grow, and move through the stages of life. Our mother's womb was our very first comfort zone. We spent nine months depending purely on a single cord for sustenance. It was safe, it was warm, and we didn't have to lift a finger to be nourished. But how long could our mothers' belly hold us? In order for life to continue, we had to get out of the womb. As you know, the process of birth is often a painful experience, both for mother and child. We emerge crying for our lost utopia, our first breaths painful and difficult. Yet, without this event, our lives would've ended at nine months.

Think about each milestone or accomplishment in your life. Was it easy? Hopefully not, because it was, that means the achievement probably meant nothing to you, and you were not made better and stronger through it. No, your victories probably came only after much hard work and leaps of faith into the unknown.

Baby turtles instinctively struggle to get to the ocean after hatching from their shells. To them, the waters are untested territory, yet they never fail to make their way to them. They're wired to know that remaining where they are means certain death.

It's the same for us. If we stay in our comfort zones, we risk becoming weak, aimless and irrelevant. The only way to enrich our lives and continue growing is to keep pushing through the skins of our comfort zones. And this pushing continues into our later years. How many people have retired only to find themselves listless and bored with living after the first year or so? That's because they've stopped challenging themselves. Their minds gradually grind to a near halt.

Getting out of our comfort zones is hard work, but Nature proves to us how essential it is for life and development!

6/7/06

Time for a Time-Out?

If you watch "Super Nanny" and sigh to yourself "I wish I could hire her?", then here's a great tool for managing your rampaging kids.

It's called a time-out. Now this is already a well-known discipline technique in the U.S. It's not a punishment; it's a teaching method that helps your child learn how to control his or her own behaviour. When used consistently and properly, time-out helps your child learn how not to push your hot buttons.

Time-out is usually used when a child is arguing, using improper language, being disobedient, whining, throwing things, hitting, or having a tantrum.

Time-out is effective because it's a method where your child can see and know that you are backing up what you are saying, i.e., "If you don't stop whining, then there'll be time-out for you." Most children truly don't like time-out because it takes them away from something they enjoy doing.

So what exactly is a time-out?

Each parent has a unique way of presenting time-out and you'll discover your own. Prepare a time-out room where there are no distractions and nothing that can harm your child. Then, find something to represent the start of a time-out. Some parents use an egg timer or some parents use a buzzer. What you do is you place it on a table in the room then calmly tell their child to sit in a chair quietly until the timer rings. Again, explain to your child that you want the misbehaviour to stop. Once you've told your child that they have earned time-out, do not change your mind or be fooled by your child's sudden obedience and cooperative ways. Leave your child in the room with the timer (with or without the door open) and tell your child that you'll be right next-door. Time-out is breathing space for both you and your child to calm down, reflect and regain composure.

Set the timer for two to five minutes. Start the timer once your child is seated and quiet. If your child starts to scream or have a tantrum while in time-out, just simply ignore it. After the timer rings, go to your child. Don't lecture your child after time-out. In fact, change the subject matter when your child leaves the room. The child must want to get out of time-out into an enjoyable place again, not another lecture.

Many children will cease misbehaving once they see their parent reach for the timer. They know what's coming and they modify their own behaviour to become more cooperative. But do bear in mind that time-out is not effective for children below two, and time-out should be only used for correcting one particular misbehaviour at a time.

So is it time for a time-out?

STORIES - The Healing Poison
Li-Li was a young bride who had just moved into her new home with her husband and his mother. In no time at all, Li-Li realized that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law - their personalities were very different, and they had conflicting habits, values and beliefs. The mother-in-law criticized Li-Li constantly.

The months passed but Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. Finally, Li-Li decided to do something about it. She went to her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs, and asked him for some poison.

Mr. Huang was shocked but seeing how distraught the girl was, finally said, "I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and do exactly as I tell you." Li-Li nodded.

He continued, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I will give you a combination of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some pork or chicken and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen."

Li-Li followed Mr. Huang's instructions faithfully. Months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially-treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.

Li-Li practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

Li-Li now regretted her murderous plan and sought Mr. Huang's help for a remedy for the poison. To which he smiled and said, "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."

It's Not About You!

Happy, confident and carefree people can seem incredibly self-assured, even to the point of being arrogant. They seem comfortable in almost any situation and mistakes and faux pas seem to slide right off them. Obnoxious people apparently have no effect on them and cheerfulness and optimism is like a second nature.

But unknown to many of us, these people are actually remarkably "un-self-centred", for lack of a better word. It is the ostensibly anxious or high-strung self-loathers who are self-centred.

When we are unhappy with the way we look for example, we're focusing on ourselves, how we appear to others, and the judgements we think are being made on us. When we feel self-conscious and nervous in situations that put us in the spotlight, we are again thinking about ourselves. When we make a blunder and are subsequently riddled with regret or embarrassment, we are dwelling on our error and how others may perceive our silliness or incompetence. When someone disparages us or puts us down and we worry about it all day, we are again imagining that these people actually care how we are.

The thing is, people don't care. They don't think about you and they don't bother how you feel. Not on a date, not in a meeting, not in the office, not in bed, not on stage. Most people only really think about themselves most of the time - what they can get out of any situation - their seemingly negative or damaging words or actions stem from their own insecurities, not from your faults.

If something thinks you're not beautiful or foolish, they're not judging you; usually they're trying to make themselves feel better about themselves.

So the next time you are in a situation that usually makes you nervous, remember? it's NOT about you. Take your focus off yourself and place it on the other party or parties involved. Think about how you can help the other person, either by providing useful information, complimenting them or giving good service. You will find that the more you focus on other people, the less conscious you are of yourself, and the better you'll perform.

After A Partner's Death

When we talk about losing a romantic partner, we often mean that the other person doesn't love us the same way anymore or has started a relationship with someone else. The hurt that accompanies this kind of loss most of us are familiar with, but many of us have not experienced the sort of pain that comes with losing our love to death.

Sometimes it is sudden, which is tough to deal with emotionally, and sometimes financially as well. Other times it can be the result of a long illness, which can be very draining emotionally and physically. Whatever the case, the remaining partner has to contend with a vast emotional vacuum. Some people turn to friends and family or charity to help them cope, and that's enough. But some of us experience a loneliness that we know only having another love and companion can remove.

Now you may be feeling guilty for needing this. On some deep level, you may feel that you are not being respectful of the relationship you and your late partner had. You may even harbour the idea that your late partner expects you to remain "faithful". But if he or she was truly in love with you, and sees you aching in loneliness, I can't see how a truly loving and unselfish late partner wouldn't want you to be happy again. Like it or not, you are both in very different places. You are still of this world, and you do need to live a life; hopefully, a happy one. No, not "need", you deserve to live a happy life. There is nothing more you can do for your past love, but you can still help yourself. Don't deny yourself this opportunity.

If you are widowed and lonely, and deep soul-searching has convinced you that you need to find love with someone else, I hope you will give yourself (and that other person too) a chance. Love is too beautiful and fruitful a thing to deny, ignore or throw away, and if you meet the right person, and you both fulfill each other, then perhaps two lives have been saved.

One chapter of your life has been written but your book has not been finished. The times you had with your late partner will always have those special and wonderful pages in your book; but there are plenty of blank pages that have yet to be filled. You are a being of love and there is no sense containing it. Build a future of love and caring together. Do not feel as if you are abandoning your former time and its memories, you're just moving just as the world never stops. You can be happy, and when you finally embrace it, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Just One More

You've probably heard the _expression "one little thing can make a big difference". To many of us most of the time, that phrase is just one of any number of overused platitudes that no longer mean anything to us. But like many time-tested aphorisms, that simple phrase contains deep insight. If we can pierce through the thick cloud of skepticism and excess, we begin to discover just how incredible the power of one is.

For example, if you could make just one more cold call every day; that is, to a random prospect you've never contacted before, you would chalk up 260 calls a year. How many extra sales could come out of that?

What about suggesting one more item to every customer? They may not buy it, but how do you know if you don't suggest it? It takes practically no extra effort.

Try applying this principle to other aspects of your life:

Set aside just one day per month for developing your skills. Attend a workshop maybe or read up on that tutorial for that new program. Most people, even if they think they know the importance of continuous upgrading, don't realize its value enough to actually do it. So that means you can quickly outpace your co-workers and competition.

And read one book every month. There's no need to be too ambitious - just read one. But read books related to your industry or that will provide insight to helping you improve your skill in a specific area.

Pause for one moment longer than usual before responding to a prospect's question or request. This silence usually makes people uncomfortable and they are more likely to blurt out something they had not planned on saying. This gives you more insight on the person as well as on the situation.

Get to the office one hour earlier than everyone else. You can probably achieve more in those 60 minutes than you could in several hours. When the people start coming in, the noises and the coffee breaks and the chats and the phone calls can be endlessly distracting.

Send out one more email a day to a potential customer. Very often, what people need is just a little push at the right time. This time today could be the time. The possibilities are endless - one more idea, one more thank you card, one more serving of fruit, one more endorsement or testimonial. It's just one more, but it could mean a ton of benefits.


Building Self-Esteem

A lot of stress, unhappiness, overeating and deliberate self-starving in life is caused by low self-esteem. A positive self-image is the cornerstone of a lasting relationship, and the more confident you are, the better you perform and consequently achieve success. High self-esteem also means peace of mind since you know and respect who you are and what you want. We should all strive for a healthy sense of self-worth. You should be proud of who you are and be totally comfortable in your own skin.

Here are some steps that should start you off quite nicely:

Create a list of people that you admire. Write down why you admire each person. As you are writing the characteristics you like, take notice of what you are writing down. You'll notice a lot of things that aren't related to looks.

Next, write down what you like about yourself. Many of us suffer from the "one-sided" syndrome - we lock in on the things we feel are wrong with ourselves and conveniently ignore the things which we can and should feel good about! So flip it around! Take note of all the things about yourself that you like or can easily improve.

Also, notice how you carry yourself when you walk. Do you walk with your head down looking at the ground? Do you slump your shoulders? Do you avoid eye contact with other people?

Try perking up! Start walking with a spring in your step and start making eye contact with people. Now this next one is pure common sense - start exercising. If your physique is getting you down, change it! You don't have to resort to manic diets or surgery. Exercise, when done in a realistic and fun way is truly enjoyable. It's mankind's age-old method for instantly looking and feeling better! Don't punish yourself, start slow and easy and work your way up.

And hang out with positive and cheerful people. Make humour and optimism a way of life. Learn to laugh at things, especially yourself, because if you can do that, it means you've transcended the trap of being obsessed with the way you look or are. There are many other things in life more worthwhile to pursue and to enjoy.

If your looks or abilities are the only things you're concerned about, aren't you limiting your potential for joy?


STORIES - Weakness or Strength?

A ten-year-old boy loved judo so much that he went ahead with lessons despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.

"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?" "This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied. Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.

Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.

"No," the sensei insisted, "let him continue."

Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake; he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion.

On the way home, the boy and the sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.

"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"

"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm."


Raising Thinking Children

Do you find that you have to constantly tell your child what to do? Brush your teeth, clear up your toys, make your bed, finish your homework, put on your shoes, walk on the pavement, don't watch TV too close to the screen and so on? The list can be endless especially if you have a very young child.

As parents, it's natural to feel that we have a duty to instruct our kids, to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. But when we adopt an approach of always commanding our children, they can very often become stubborn or rebellious. Excessive commands can lose their efficacy. Worse still, we're teaching them to always follow orders and never to think for themselves, which can lead to poor self-esteem and inability to make decisions later on in life.

This is not to say however that parents shouldn't guide their children. Just don't keep holding their hand or bringing out the cane. Why not try a different approach?

If you're sick of always playing the discipline master, stop demanding. Try asking your children questions instead. We often underestimate young children's ability to analyse situations and make sensible decisions on their own. So instead of saying "Brush your teeth now!", try asking "What do you need to do before having breakfast?"

Asking children questions gives them the opportunity to think for themselves and come logically to an answer. You can help them along by pointing out the benefits of that particular action, but let them discover the conclusion themselves - "What do you need to do after dinner?", "What do you need to do before we can go out?" Before you head to the zoo, ask "Do you have everything you need?" The child quickly learns responsibility and the value of planning ahead, and is more likely to internalize this kind of behaviour because he feels that he has made the decision himself.

Of course there will be times when only a no-nonsense direct command will do. But there is often another way. And if you use the "questioning", "gently guiding" approach consistently, you'll find that over time, you don't even need to remind your child anymore.

Guilt From Unhealthy Self-Judgement

When we do something that harms someone, we experience a feeling called guilt. This kind of guilt is important to have because it keeps us in check. Otherwise we'd all think nothing of hurting others.

However, the kind of guilt many people experience is of a different and much less positive kind. In fact, you can say it has no rewards at all. This is the kind of guilt that you feel when you have actually done nothing wrong but because of certain born or bred mindsets, you're judging yourself to have been a bad person.

For example, some people feel responsible for all the happiness and unhappiness of their family members. A family member may be feeling needy and is increasingly seeking and wanting more of your assurances and help and time. Now of course you should help your family members but if you feel a deep sense of guilt every time you "weren't there" for example, or said something that appeared to hurt the other person, then you are falsely judging yourself.

You are not wholly responsible for your loved one's state of mind or happiness, although you can play a part. If a loved one becomes testy whenever you aren't able to fulfill a task he or she expected you to do, then you have become a crutch for them. For example, they aren't able to do simple things like calling a service provider or going to the doctor for a minor flu on their own.

When you make yourself wholly responsible for a loved one's happiness and feel guilty whenever you miss the mark, you're also teaching your loved one to be dependent. When this happens, the sense of betrayal just gets stronger and stronger each time you're not able to deliver. Needless to say, this only strains the relationship in the long run.

Now you know that you're not doing anything wrong, or directly damaging, yet you continue to judge yourself whenever others around you get upset. On some level you believe that by accommodating people all the time, you will get their love and acceptance. But it's doesn't work that way. Building up false expectations only builds disappointment and resentment. Remember, you cannot control others' feelings and behaviour by doing things "right". You shouldn't judge yourself whenever you're unable to do things "right". Fully accept that you can't be wholly responsible for another person's feelings and release the self-judgement and guilt.

Empower Yourself

Everyone goes through murky patches of their lives when they start feeling, for apparently no good reason at all, empty and directionless. This can happen when we're living on auto-pilot, getting lost in the rhythm of the ever turning wheels, and having no clear idea what we want or what we're doing. This lack of vision and control can be very disempowering.

So here are some ways you can reclaim control of your life and empower yourself to move into the future with confidence.

First, ask yourself "What do I want?" It's a simple question but the answer can be unexpectedly complex. Most of us don't even think about this question. But it's the most important thing you need to establish. Do you want more money? Give more love? Spend more time with your children? More health? Really meditate on this and listen to what comes back.

Next, ask yourself "What is stopping me from getting what I want?" Is it doubt? As in "I don't think I can go without a regular income." Or is it limiting beliefs? Such as "I'm too old for that." What about attachment? The unwillingness to let go of certain things in order for other things to come into your life. Upon close examination, you'll find that these things really can't hold you back. It's just fear.

Then look at where you are today. Are you getting from it all that you want? Or are you unhappy with the way things are? Even if you think you're miserable, you're getting something from it, otherwise you would have tried to get out of the situation. Many of us languish in self-pity because we're feeding our insecurities. Somewhere deep inside, we actually do like where we are because it means we don't have to take any action towards change. Change frightens us and so we make up the excuse that we're in a hopeless situation and continue doing nothing.

But the human spirit grows thin when it remains in an unchallenging place for too long. The emptiness you feel is precisely because you've not allowed for change to transform your life. You're doing the same thing which gives you no satisfaction day in day out and your heart is crying out for help. So the key really is to decide what you have to do to start changing your life in positive ways. And really take action.

Even small actions, like walking up the steps at the office instead of taking the lift gives you an empowering feeling of moving forward all the time.

Committing to Commitment

When it comes to relationships, are Singaporeans commitment-phobic? Is that why young Singaporeans are getting married later or even avoiding the idea altogether?

Well, it's hard to say, but admittedly some people seem to have a fear of committing themselves to a relationship. As a result, they waft around in a sea of prospective life partners and never take the step towards dropping the anchor.

Don't get me wrong, some people are perfectly comfortable with being perpetual swinging singles; that's fine, but problems arise when the commitment-phobe actually does want to settle down finally, but is clouding his or her vision in the meantime by being fearful of making a promise to one person. This commitment-phobic person is typically worried that his or her present partner may not be "the one", that there is someone better out there. This person usually enters into half-hearted affairs and never truly finds full and fulfilling relationships.

Many people feel that entering into a committed relationship means the loss of their independence. They experience a niggling feeling that they are selling themselves short, giving up the endless number of opportunities (they think) that await them. This is a false fear.

When you focus on what you're losing, you're disregarding what you're gaining. Sure, you may not be able to come and go as you please or leave the dirty dishes in the sink for as long as you wish, but think about what you're getting - trust and intimacy, for instance. And there will always appear to be so-called "better" potential partners, but they only seem more attractive to you because you only know them on a superficial level. Spend more time with them, get to know them better, and the cracks will begin to show.

Many people also unintentionally sabotage a relationship by not pacing its development. They get caught up in the passionate rush and lust of the initial stage, only to find later that their partner is unsuitable for them. Some people are also so afraid of rejection that they close themselves up like a fan. They refuse to share their real feelings and personalities and are miserly with their time and attention.

If you feel you're ready to make a commitment to someone, make sure you both make the decision together. Discuss your life goals and dreams together and reveal your inner selves to each other. This opening up and embracing the whole person is essential to loving one person exclusively and fully.

STORIES - The Oyster

there once was an oyster
whose story i tell,
who found that some sand
had got into his shell.


it was only a grain,
but it gave him great pain.
for oysters have feelings
although they're so plain.


now, did he berate
the harsh workings of fate
that had brought him
to such a deplorable state?


did he curse at the government,
cry for election,
and claim that the sea
should have given him protection?


'no,' he said to himself
as he lay on a shell,
since i cannot remove it,
i shall try to improve it.


now the years have rolled around,
as the years always do,
and he came to his ultimate
destiny ? stew.


and the small grain of sand
that had bothered him so
was a beautiful pearl
all richly aglow.


now the tale has a moral,
for isn't it grand
what an oyster can do
with a morsel of sand?


what couldn't we do
if we'd only begin
with some of the things
that get under our skin.

Leaving the Corporate World

Many of us started working in the corporate world much by following convention without question. You graduate, you finish National Service, you find a job in a company. It felt like the natural thing to do simply because almost everybody was doing it. But now, after a couple of years toiling away at a 9 to 5 (9 to 9 job for some), you're beginning to question the wisdom of remaining in your job. It's not what you love doing, the politics are a pain, the stress and the hours are increasingly demanding, and you're starting to feel disillusioned and bleak about the future. You're sick of waiting for the weekend for your life to begin.

If you're exhausted with the corporate world, you're not alone. There are over 40 million people in North America today who have left the corporate world to become freelancers, independent contractors, or small business owners. More and more I speak to here are also doing the same or are thinking of taking this road. It's becoming an increasingly viable option as more and more companies these days are outsourcing projects and hiring part-time or freelance employees.

It's a natural progression I suppose, as we become more and more affluent, educated and self-aware that we would demand more from life, more from our work, more from our opportunities. We no longer just want job security or money; we want to be passionate about the work we do, we want to express ourselves more and make a difference in this world. We want to live our lives on our own terms and on our own time. We want to savour more of what this world has to offer - travel, write, dance, sing, compose poetry, volunteer at a charity or animal shelter, spend more time with our family, sail a ship, fly a plane, climb a mountain.

All these infinite possibilities are there we realize, but they usually require a departure from a regular desk-bound job. Not to mention a truckload of guts to take that first step. But make no mistake, many people are doing this successfully and you can too. But before you do, make sure you do your homework. Get the resources you need - books, seminars, workshops. Talk to successful or other aspiring entrepreneurs. Work out your finances and budgets. Identify your core skills and key markets. Hone your craft, make more calls, network! Be your own unstoppable PR machine!

Remember, you have a right to discover your passion, live your purpose, and enjoy the profits and happiness that comes with living your dreams!

Accepting Yourself and Others

When you perceive others to be treating you badly, the usual reaction is to feel resentment and an urge to retaliate or assert yourself. Sometimes you can get some sort of recourse, at other times, assertion may be necessary simply to send a strong signal.

However, there are times when you just can't do anything and there seems to be no way for your steam to escape. You're agitated and hurt but you seem to have no power to feel better. For example, you may have a boss who is authoritarian and pushy. You could quit, but you really need the job right now. What to do?

Well, try not judging him. Try accepting him instead. Now, normally, whenever he makes an unreasonable demand or cutting remark, you'd feel how you were being treated. You'd take the attack personally and imagine talking back. You'd feel the heat flare at your temples and your heart race. You'd keep replaying that incident over and over in your mind and continue to feel upset about it later. Basically causing more damage to yourself than he could possibly afflict.

But once you release the judgement and start seeing your boss with compassion, you'll feel an amazing freedom. Your boss is no longer that forked-tongued monster whom you'd like to strangle, but a flawed human being who's struggling with his own demons. There are obviously catalysts in his life that have caused him to handle his world in this manner, nagging problems that continue to push him to behave this way. In a way, he really deserves your sympathy.

We all struggle physically, emotionally and spiritually to survive in this world. To do this, we use all the means available to us. Our resources may be different and other people will respond in different ways based on what they can grasp or hold onto. We can't understand what it's like to be them, so how can we judge them?

If you think he's being hard on you and you feel angry about it, then you're being equally hard on yourself and on him. But if you stop clamping up and really try and open your heart to people, you'll stop being a slave of negative emotions.

You can apply this to anyone who makes you feel upset - don't judge them, accept them. Accept yourself, build your self-esteem, love yourself too much to feel angry. Over time, your quiet confidence and "non-defense" of yourself will make others think twice about making your life difficult. They will learn that their words and actions have no impact on your peace of mind. You know what they say? "The best revenge is living well." Well, I suppose revenge can be sweet.

Getting Out of Bad Moods

If bad moods and bad days are getting you down, it's time for some serious stress-busting. We all need to do this every once in a while; ideally, as often as we can. Here are some tips to get you smiling again.

We are often the company we keep, so take a close look at the people you tend to surround yourself with. Are they sucking the lifeforce out of you? Don't feel obliged to accommodate them; in fact, by entertaining their whims, you're really making them weak and dependent. So get rid of the emotional vampires in your life.

Next, change your posture. We often don't notice this, but the way we carry ourselves has a big influence on how we feel. When we speak timidly, slouch, shuffle our feet and so on, we're cramping our spirit. This also sends a non-verbal cue to others that you're unhappy and lifeless. So take bigger steps, walk faster, stand taller, speak with more confidence. Let your spirit fly!

Watch what you say. Words exert a tremendous influence on our mood, and if you're consistently using words like "I'll try", "It's tough", "I'm tired", "but" and so on, you're programming yourself for failure. Instead, try using more phrases like "I can", "No problem", "I'm great"! Go upbeat!

Focus on what you want, rather than what you don't want. It's awful the wave of "don't"s we have to deal with everyday - "Don't be late", "don't make a mistake", "don't miss the deadline", "don't forget". But I'm sure you realize that the more we focus on what we're not supposed to do, we're more likely to do it. Like this classic example - don't think of a pink elephant. So, shift your focus to what you want - "I want to be energetic", "I want to do well", "I'll do a great job".

Remember, anyone can feel better instantly; you just have to do it! Stop vexing yourself! Unhappy people dwell on their problems and make up excuses why things can't improve. Happy, optimistic people focus on what's good, the solutions; they are constantly looking forward to the next moment. Go upbeat!

Making Great First Impressions

You've heard it so many times - first impressions last. It's been drummed into us since childhood, but how exactly do we make a good impression? Is it all in the look? What we say? How we say it? Well, all of it, actually. Given that we only have from 7 to 17 seconds of interacting with strangers before they form an opinion of us, it becomes crucial to refine our strategies until they almost become a science. I'm going to leave out appearance though because that's the oldest tip in the book; you know the importance of grooming and attire.

Now, the first thing to remember about making great first impressions is - make the other person the star. Show that the other person (not you) is the centre of the conversation. It's only natural - we all like to talk about ourselves, but give in to that temptation when meeting a stranger and you're unlikely to earn that person's liking and respect. As they say, the most boring thing in the world is me going on and on about myself. However, if you can focus on the other person, your new acquaintance will be eager to see you again.

Next, be a good listener. Not just that, actually demonstrate that you are listening intently and effectively - give affirmative verbal and non-verbal cues like nodding, smiling, maintaining eye contact and saying things like "Great!", That's fascinating!", "Tell me more" and "What did you do next?". All this positive affirmation keeps the conversation going.

Also, use the name of your new acquaintance frequently. For example, "Joe, I really admire your energy to do so many things!" or "That must've been a thrilling experience, Vivienne!" This shows that you have centred the encounter on the other person from the start, catching his or her name during the introduction and more importantly, remembering it. Using the other person's name several times also makes the conversation more intimate and personal.

Now when it comes to humour in initial encounters, the golden rule is: when in doubt, don't use it. No humour is better than having a joke or comment backfire. Funny to you may be sarcastic or insensitive to others.

Next, give up the need to be right. A good argument might be appreciated by close friends but chances are confrontations with someone new will destroy rapport. So as a general rule, don't challenge the other person's statements, or not in an overtly adversarial way.

Finally, remember these three Cs - be Clear, Confident and Convincing.


STORIES - The Touchstone

When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers.

The book wasn't very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the "Touchstone"!

The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold.

So the man sold his few belongings, bought some simple supplies, camped on the seashore, and began testing pebbles. He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold, he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times. So, when he felt one that was cold, he threw it into the sea. He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone. Yet he went on and on this way. Pick up a pebble. Cold - throw it into the sea. Pick up another. Throw it into the sea.

The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. One day, however, about midafternoon, he picked up a pebble and it was warm. He threw it into the sea before he realized what he had done. He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along, he still threw it away.